Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wife: do you think I'm fat?”... Me: Moooooo.... * Hmmmm,,, My phones Autocorrect is trying to kill me.

   She enjoys long romantic scrolls on her phone. But still claims to be in touch with reality.

   "When terrorists parents have to use the, "Open wide, here comes the airplane!" technique, do they just smash it in their face and make explosion noises?" No parents want their children to be terrorist.

   On a scale of Bruno Mars to Wesley Snipes, how dark do you want your coffee?

   *Poops without drinking coffee first*.... it's a FESTIVUS miracle

   "I miss the good old days when “self-checkout” was faster and less complicated and called “shoplifting.”This's brought you by a cashier who is afraid of losing their job.

   "I feel terrible today. Let me go find a man to blame." - WOMEN

   My son just saw Willie Nelson on TV and called him Santa... Hmmm I guess we need to watch more Christmas movies.

   At this point the only other thing Trump could possibly say to anger anymore people is if he said he hated doughnuts.

   Shouldn't you be camping out somewhere waiting for Star Wars?

   Haven't kids learned how fast a picture can travel around the internet by now?

   Steve Harvey officiated my 1st wedding... he was SO wrong!

   All you have to do is copy and paste this status and FB will award 200 on people. FB is such a great mode of transporting lies to the naive.

   somedays my inner child kinda runs the place

   The first fagget that mentions a Kardashian in 2016 is getting punched in the mouth.

   My signature move is to watch you leave with someone else and then tell my friends I wasn't interested in you anyway.

   Don't get it. Heard the phrase "keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir". Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.

   Drinking non-alcoholic beer is alot like going down on your cousin, it tastes the same but you know its wrong.

   I'm glad soccer is not a sport screwed up with wearing loads of pads, big bellies, giving injuries to other opponents by brute force, run for one second and call themselves talented.

   You actually have friends? "Yeah, all 10 seasons on DVD!"