Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My son just saw Willie Nelson on TV and called him Santa... Hmmm I guess we need to watch more Christmas movies.

   At this point the only other thing Trump could possibly say to anger anymore people is if he said he hated doughnuts.

   Shouldn't you be camping out somewhere waiting for Star Wars?

   Haven't kids learned how fast a picture can travel around the internet by now?

   Steve Harvey officiated my 1st wedding... he was SO wrong!

   All you have to do is copy and paste this status and FB will award 200 on people. FB is such a great mode of transporting lies to the naive.

   somedays my inner child kinda runs the place

   The first fagget that mentions a Kardashian in 2016 is getting punched in the mouth.

   My signature move is to watch you leave with someone else and then tell my friends I wasn't interested in you anyway.

   Don't get it. Heard the phrase "keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir". Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.

   Drinking non-alcoholic beer is alot like going down on your cousin, it tastes the same but you know its wrong.

   I'm glad soccer is not a sport screwed up with wearing loads of pads, big bellies, giving injuries to other opponents by brute force, run for one second and call themselves talented.

   You actually have friends? "Yeah, all 10 seasons on DVD!"

   Taco Bell is selling breakfast now?.. Cool, I guess I can move into the men's restroom... If you need me, I'll be in my new office.

   MONDAYS ARE LIKE THAT UNCLE THAT USED TO HOLD YOU DOWN AND FART IN YOUR FACE...he was laughing but we never were...

   Doing stuff is the root of all evil.

   My girlfriend and I almost didn't have the second date because on the first date I didn't open the car door for her. I just swam to the surface.

   Her: How's your drink? Me: It's ok. I can't taste the alcohol though Her:That's cause we're at the gym and its a protein shake

   A car full of sluts is called a fish tank

   Sex so good she didn't even wake up.