Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if 50 cents had a nickle for every bankruptcy joke

   The Grapes of Wrath is my favorite book title talking about a Woman drinking wine and angrily planning on burning your house to the ground.

   We shouldn't send our trash into space, that's how you get space raccoons

   Girl at party: "So, where is your significant other". Me: "In the car charging"

   *Dogs on coffee break... Comic Dog: Want to hear a joke?.. Other dogs: Okay... Comic Dog: Knock Kno.... *Other dogs ALL GO NUTS !

   If you sit on your hand till it falls asleep and then like your own jokes,, it feels like someone else is doing it.

   Learned something new today. If you tell a girl she's a 6, she'll make up the other 4 in bed

   A blow job a day keeps the "YOU SPENT HOW MUCH?!?!" away.

   It's easy to pick out Charlie Sheen's kid in school. He's the only kid who crushes and snorts his Flintstone's chewable vitamins.

   I hope all of the ladies out there get to be with the man of your memes.

   I don't use alcohol as a crutch. It's more like a motorized wheelchair.

   I like my women like I like my sentences, without periods!

   Ever think about an old friend and wonder what they're doing right now? They're playing on their phone. Everyone is playing on their phone!

   I wonder if anyone's kids had their first day of school today?

   What's the inside temperature of a Tauntaun? Luke warm.

   I heard that breathing can give you cancer.

   I asked my cat if I'm passive aggressive and she ignored me. I hope I don't forget to feed her tonight.

   “The man who fears losing has already lost.”

   You know a girl is a keeper if she picks the iron when she's playing Monopoly.

   I am strongly opposed to a representational democracy.... AND I VOTE!