Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The bigger the EXPECTATION, the bigger the HEARTBREAK!

   thinking about creating a whole new crime. I'm gonna start a counterfeit prostitution ring. I see a lot of money and no jail time coming my way.

   They call her “SWITCH” because anyone can turn her on.

   so east coast wasnt suppose to get a slip in the fault for another few hundred years.. the world is coming to an end now. earthquakes=funtimes

   Why can't Chinese couples have caucasian babies? Because two Wongs don't make a White!

   Writing is like prostitution. First you do it for love, and then for a few close friends, and then for money.

   has a bad case of SRH!!! (Sperm retention headache)

   Before you go in and fight for something, just make sure its worth the effort and time.

   long distance works is something High School Seniors made up to get laid before they go to college

   for your information, I only had 1 winekiller captain buzzcooler!

   UPDATE: As Hurricane Irene prepares to batter the East Coast, federal disaster officials have warned that Internet outages could force people to interact with other people for the first time in years.remember an interaction is just like a series of fb upd

   One of my first jobs job was at an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.

   Disappointed that Lady Gaga did not show up this year at the VMA's, I was really looking forward to my Grand Slam.

   So Lady Gaga, goes to the VMA's as alter ego Jo Calderon. I guess the thought of her being a Denny's menu item was not manly enough...!

   asks..what's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

   Sad 60's Self Realization:Most of the people who used to call you a Space Cowboy, a Gangster of Love, and Maurice now call you a Sad Hippie Has-Been.

   Hi, I'm Troy Mclure. Your reading this in my voice, aren't you?

   I blame movies for my high expectations in relationships

   What do I say to some poor schmuck who tells me he can out insult me on line? Nothing. I have a hard time talking while laughing hysterically.

   Some people don't fall in love; they drown in it.