Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   OK, I go upstairs to the bathroom and walk by and my wife is watching Forensic Files....20 minutes later she comes down to the man cave and asks if we should get life insurance on each other!! Made me nervous

   Best breakup line - Our relationship is fat, its not working out.

   Yeah, you look smart but I don't trust my eyesight much.

   46% of violence on T.V. occurs in cartoons.

   Procrastinate like there's several tomorrows

   I judge a hotel by the complimentary shampoo and conditioner.

   too bad Mr. Rogers isnt still alive to have facebook & do the games...then he really can be our neighbor

   A new book claims Sarah Palin had sex with NBA star Glen Rice. That's where she got the phrase, “Drill, Baby, Drill.”

   A bill collector called me and I told them I had $17,208,857.23 in Mafia Wars but I'm having a problem transferring the funds to my checking.

   I would love to see things from your point of view, but I cant seem to get my head that far up my ass

   Everyone hit this Jeffry it will calm you down

   It amazes me how most politicians havent contracted some type of STD from all the people they have screwed during their tenure. Figuratively and literally.

   not for everyone results may vary. Side effects may include splitting side, spastic outbursts, spewing drinks out your nose and extreme awesomeness. Not recommended for people with heart problems or expecting mothers..

   Some watch football for the game. Some watch it so the commercials will let them know what questions to ask their doctor.

   If you continue to argue with someone moments after you realized they are retarded, makes you a retard too.

   you can t make sense out of nonsense!

   I'm so starved for entertainment I'm thinking about putting a rubber band around my own kitchen sink sprayer....

   I do not like this Sam I Am. I do not like this Facebook scam. I do not like the new news feed. I do not like it, no indeed. I do not like your top news trends, instead of recent news from friends. It was just fine, but now it's weird, so let me make myse

   A wife is somebody who won't tell you what to do but will get mad when you don't do what she wanted you to do.

   Let us cultivate love and compassion, both of which give life true meaning, just like beer and bacon...