Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just set up an eMeeting with myself, but it was a no show

   I may not have 'hoes' in different area codes but I'm pretty sure I've left a phone charger in most of them.

   Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a) Yeah, Baby, Push it! b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c) Another set and we can hit the showers! d) Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius?

   The Mississippi delta was shining like a national guitar.....

   They sent my Census form back-AGAIN!!! In response to the question: "Do you have any dependents?" I replied - "12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 8.5 million unemployed people, 7 million in prisons; millions in every state collecting we

   All the memories of my ex fall under the "What was I thinking!!" catagory... just like the night I chased tequilla with vodka!

   I had my DNA analyzed. It came back with four main components. Bacon, Chocolate, Coffee & Crazy

   Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she will take it anyway.

   I'm speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I was going, Officer.

   bets that in prison everyone's relationship status is set to "it's complicated".

   If I've learned one thing in life it's: No matter what the problem is, alcohol is always the answer.

   Wrong # call = boring. Wrong text message = fun. Some1 text me "Carl, where the hell r u?" I responded "sex change, call you back as Carla."

   They're remaking Mr. Rogers with a animated tiger? o:

   Jack got fired for thinking outside the box

   I wonder if starving kids in Africa are comforted by the fact that people routinely use them as an excuse to over eat.

   Ya know it's a bad day when you wreck yourself before you check yourself.

   I don't need damn a brain, I have google.

   If I were a woman, there would almost never be a time when I wouldn't wear high heels or carry a gun. Or insist everyone call me Candy.

   God grant me the strenghth not to throat punch anyone taday, Amen!

   "When life handed me political aides I turned them into Lemonaides"- Bill Clinton