Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My phone automatically wants to check me into every bar we pass! I guess this thing really is a smartphone.

   Whenever someone posts something like, “Just went on a massive friend-deleting spree!,” I'm never quite sure whether to feel like a winner for making the cut or a loser for having friends lame e

   I am all for small talk but that does not mean you can initiate a chat with me and bore me to death.

   Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color. Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense, and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable.

   I don't mean to sound sleezy but tease me I don't want it if it's that easy.

   Every flaw in my character is quietly salvaged as evidence of my genius.

   Hey, Red Bull, you know what else gives us wings? Kotex. There seems to be a slam dunk marketing opportunity here that someone is missing.

   just set up an eMeeting with myself, but it was a no show

   I may not have 'hoes' in different area codes but I'm pretty sure I've left a phone charger in most of them.

   Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a) Yeah, Baby, Push it! b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c) Another set and we can hit the showers! d) Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius?

   The Mississippi delta was shining like a national guitar.....

   They sent my Census form back-AGAIN!!! In response to the question: "Do you have any dependents?" I replied - "12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 8.5 million unemployed people, 7 million in prisons; millions in every state collecting we

   All the memories of my ex fall under the "What was I thinking!!" catagory... just like the night I chased tequilla with vodka!

   I had my DNA analyzed. It came back with four main components. Bacon, Chocolate, Coffee & Crazy

   Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she will take it anyway.

   I'm speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I was going, Officer.

   bets that in prison everyone's relationship status is set to "it's complicated".

   If I've learned one thing in life it's: No matter what the problem is, alcohol is always the answer.

   Wrong # call = boring. Wrong text message = fun. Some1 text me "Carl, where the hell r u?" I responded "sex change, call you back as Carla."

   They're remaking Mr. Rogers with a animated tiger? o: