Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Urban Outfitters clothes size exchange rate,  XL=94 pound 5th grader...

   Misogynist: A man who hates women as much as women hate one another.

   Lindsey Lohan is on the back burner now, her comment..."oh no he didn't"

   thinking of doing something to somebody that involves high pressure hose, cat litter, a modified cheese grater and a small brown Chihuahua named "Larry"

   I just recieved my "Magic Jack" as seen on TV. It's important to listen and pay attention. Evidently this "Magic Jack" is some phone/internet crap!

   Charlie Sheen on his carefree spending, to TMZ: "Blame the studio for giving me this much dough knowing who they were giving to." Who would have thought that giving an actor with a history of drug problems $2 MM an episode would have turned out badly.

   Wish my Granny had facebook. Havent chatted with her in a while

   Your silence is golden because the words you said before are tarnished with lies.

   when someone posts "Just some exciting news!" Don't comment or "like". Thats what they want you to do. Just wait it out. They will post what the news is soon enough.

   Charlie Sheen is like an old kung fu movie, his mouth stops moving but he still keeps talking.

   Joe Rogan is to MMA as Pocket Knife is to ear cleaning?

   My Take on Glee: So it's people singing, dancing, and having sex, all with a guy in a wheelchair watching. Kinda like an orgy at Larry Flynt's house.

   I swear, it's like I'm creating FB statuses with my brother's kids or somethin'. You nerve-wrackin' sons-a-b!tches.

   Hi, I'm a chick. I like long walks around football stadiums, am interested in sexist jokes about my own gender, and I'm strongly talented in the art of shutting up. Unfortunately, I'm the only one...

   sippin coffee on the porch swing trying to wake up when I catch sight of a wiener dog chasing a pinto car down the road ...today is going to be EPIC!!!

   left a few lines of baby powder on my co-worker's desk. came back and there was a dollar bill rolled up.

   Now Charlie Sheen says he used steroids while filming "Major Leagues". So what now, do we take championship away from Cleveland? Do we put an asterisk next to the movie title? Should we remove all DVD's from the shelves and burn them?? Damn you Sheen!!

   All dogs go to heaven. All cats go to purr-gatory.

   some girls look better witout glasses, thats why I never bring mine to the club

   Walmart, because going to Target requires a shower