Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you can't beat 'em............RUN

   Some people were born just to take up space like the first slice of bread in a loaf.

   Can someone explain cheese to me? Who smelled vomit and feet and asked "can I get that on a cracker?"

   has been texting so much today that now I move my thumbs from side to side when I'm actually talking to someone.

   just watched a show about a person who was addicted to pizza. I believe the technical name for this condition is "normal."

   I'm not pefect.. but gezzz....Have you seen my competition?

   Count to ten before the lightning strikes, if days are dark find something that's bright. Different colors paint a picture of our lives, just close your eyes!

   I can charm any mother....it's getting the daughter that is the tricky part....

   thinking about Autotuning our building's tornado warning announcement lady

   the Chairman for the Frostbite Falls Society of Wildlife Conversation. Well, somebody's gonna have to start talking about these things.

   you better check yourself... before you wreck yourself.

   Why is the list of vision providers in 4.5 font? I know I need glasses; that's why I am looking for a provider. You don't have to rub it in.

   the inside of my car looks different sober!?

   O.K. so with the whole calorie burning thing...if your body burns so many calories when it is cold, trying to keep itself warm...then the trick to weight loss would be to go outside in little to no clothes on and "chill". wonder how long you hafta stand t

   I hate when reality stomps its filthy feet all over my happy place.

   I'm fat! If I stare at something too hard I break a sweat!

   Someone from Facebook Design should write about why they made the news feed font smaller. I just want to understand why.

   The Crimmus gift card. A perfect way to say you mean NOTHING to me, but at least you are off my list!

   So if I post a status on Facebook between 1:01am and 1:59am tomorrow does it disappear at 2:00am?

   I wish I could get as excited about anything as the dog does about going for a ride.