Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I once gave up fishing. It was the most terrifying weekend of my life.

   always do right.this will gratify some people and astonish the rest

   if any more of these Mel Gibson tapes get released you'll be able to buy the box set from Time Life by XMas

   Giving this positive outlook thing the old college try. Which means I'll only try on Tuesdays and Thursdays after noon.

   Why.....do the best-looking cars have the dumbest drivers

   so glad he can't get anyone pregnant from poking all these lovely ladies on fb...he hopes! O.o

   I was so drunk last night , I went to bed with Bo Derek and woke up with Bo Diddley

   Facebook-stalking my future ex-girlfriend.

   thinks a city built on rock 'n roll would be structurally unsound.

   was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger...and then it hit me

   used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

   If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.... thats why I don't talk to you =P

   should be able to assist and speed up the Charles Darwin theory of Natural Selection!!!!

   Winnie the Pooh is a bad ass. Anyone that can be THAT fat, lazy, obliviously self absorbed and loved by all is a genius in my book.

   Meet me in the corn feild Honey, and I'll kiss you between the ears.

   Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

   Women, don't get a tattoo. That butterfly looks great on your breast when you're twenty or thirty, but when you get to seventy, it stretches into a condor.

   You can't live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you.

   Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs.

   I drink to make other people interesting...