Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Terrance & Phillip should've really done the "lighting of the torch" during the Winter Olympics back then.....too late now.

   you can't blame men for the forest depletion. As long as we are wearing clothes, we don't need napkins, think of the trees we have saved by getting greasy hands clean on our pants....

   yes I lost my virginity but at least I still have the box it came in!

   just saw a commercial for the Hogwarts place at universal... so down to take shrooms and go, who's down?

   After five minutes of forced conversation, I've just realized that this person sitting across from me is not, in fact, Tony Danza

   we don't choose who you fall in love with, we can only pray that thay fall in love with us too ♥

   has heard better comebacks from someone in a coma.

   My friend was too cheap to hire a proper butler. So he ended up with one with no left arm. Serves him right.

   If a baseball is hit out of the stadium, travels completely around the world, re-enters the stadium, and is caught by a fielder, is it a home run or an out?

   Apparently a vacation is more important than honoring our fallen soldiers at Arlington....But don't worry, Obama will be back in DC next week to rub elbows with his celebrity friends as they honor Paul McCartney's many accomplishments. Jerk!

   A Glimpse by defintion, is an impermanent thing!

   I think the american people should be allowed to show the BP executives and some of these clowns in our government just what a true "JUNK SHOT" is

   When the forecast mentions isolated thunderstorms, I always think, "Why so emo, thunderstorm?"

   If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque book

   Saying "Let me call you back" is just a nicer or rather messed up way for a woman to say she doesn't wanna talk to you.

   Impotence: Nature's way of  saying  'No hard feelings...' 

   coming up with a funny status update is overated.. be content with this one..

   Lather, Rinse, Repeat ... that's how they GET YOU !!!

   My wife tells me I have A.D.D., that stands for Attention Deficit, hey it's beginning to storm outside.

   Two eyebrows are better than one.