Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm so confused, I thought the Crip Walk was a marathon for gang members

   always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.

   I stopped drinking, but only when I sleep.

   Just because I'm not answering, doesn't mean I'm not listening.

   Sorry dude. My girlfriend and I had a meeting and we've decided I don't want to hang out with you anymore.

   says you look like... I need another drink

   about to mail my check for $1500 to nigeria for the $15million lottery I just won! Cya later SUCKAS!!

   im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets

   There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice!!

   I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my a$$.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M

   wonders if Vancouver city cab drivers are prepared for Chicago Blackhawk Patrick kane's arrival.

   i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me

   writing your phone number on the toilet wall

   I think I just gave her a mamogram

   watching his 401k descend like a drug addled hooker with vertigo.

   Remember when someone is annoying it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and slap the idiot!!

   listening to WPMS. They play three weeks of easy listening and one week of ragtime.

   drink wisely....DONT spill!

   I'm only gunna give you half of it," the back half."

   Seriously, dude in front of me at the register...digging in your pants for the last 2 minutes for change is making you look kinda creepy...