Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I triple-majored in college to give myself a range of options to explore and find career I'd love. Three working years later, I've narrowed down the options significantly: anything not involving those majors.

   Why do people ask, "Do you have a cell phone?" You might as well be asking them if I have a pulse.

   Trick or treat is not a game

   contemplating standing up from his desk, stripping down to his tighty whities whilst spontaneously yelling out "Frank the Tank" as he walks out the door...

   why don't they just make a James Bond Television Series? Because if you think about it, there's already enough movies to make one season."

   I'm building a fort in the living room with a sign that says "nobody else allowed" and I'm moving into it. Forever.

   killing 1 bird with 2 stones

   at Office Depot wearing a raincoat looking for a staple remover.

   I see a lite in the distance....could be a Miller Lite, I better go check it out!

   This girl has worse breath than my dog, and my dog can reach around and lick his own ass.

   peeing on your wall

   To the Gentlemen, I'm Miss Fortune. To the Ladies, I'm Sir Prize.

   Hi, it's me, Monday. I'm here to slap that silly grin off your stupid little pointed face.

   Everything I ever needed to know I learned by killing smart people and eating their brains.

   I celebrate the Equinox every year by dressing up in a sparkly jump suit....I call it the sequinox!!!!

   The only thing that keeps me from losing my mind is........ Hold up... I'll get back to you on that...

   I wonder if my mailman even recognized me with my clothes on.

   an expert on woman and knows all there is to know about them because he got the best one to marry him :)

   what does a shingle and a fat chick have in common? They both get nailed by mexicans..

   My Idea for a church bulletin. "Stop, drop, and roll won't work in hell ."