Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   have a pheasant plucking day

   Oh April Fool's day, where everyone teeter-totters between brilliance and insanity. Welcome to my World!!

   I'm busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.

   My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

   Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

   Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear...

   Ever wonder if you ordered something online, forget what you ordered and get mad because it still hasn't came yet?

   Only 259 more shopping days till Christmas

   Cremaster muscle- the muscle that raised the testes when cold. Sumo wrestlers can voluntarily move this muscle to protect themselves.

   Ricky Martin has answered the question, "Are you gay?". But for many, another question remains: "Who's Ricky Martin?"

   Which is the best new slur for hipsters: Fauxhemian or Doucheoisie? I'm thinking Doucheoisie.

   While creating wives, God promised men that good & ideal wives will be found in all corners of the world and then he made the earth round!

   WEED - 5$...ROLL UP - 1$...THAT FEELING YOU GET AFTER - PRICELESS......HAPPY 4/20

   saw the geico gecko cutting the allstate agent's brake lines, talk about cutting out the middle man.

   Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.

   The good news is, we destroyed the Ring. The bad news is, we disrupted a hemisphere's worth of air travel and two dozen national economies... our badd...

   I'm hopping in the DeLorean with the Doc to travel back in time to Wednesday to buy a Powerball ticket. Between the other winner and I there will be $258 million dollars and one full set of teeth.

   Ronald McDonald just killed Burger King in front of Dairy Queen over that B*t*h Wendy

   so turns out you CAN use lemon juice to get goats blood off of the curtains

   Kan yu knot spel?