Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People need to pay up..im not a money tree, and I dont work for free.

   Sometimes you feel like a nut. And sometimes you feel that the men in white coats are just overreacting.

   Chuch Norris once round house kicked a guy in the head so fast that his foot travled back in time and hit Amelia airheart in the face causing her to crash, and that's why they never found her

   You know those camp grounds where you have to pay to sleep outside? I wonder if those are offensive to homeless people??

   has been invited to go out tonight, but I'm a little scared...if a girl spends more then $200.00 on me...should I let her go past 2nd base???

   wondering, if chickens don't have fingers, how come they sell them in resturants??

   These days, the only way I get rolled in the hay is if I get mugged behind the barn

   busier than a one-armed man in an ass-whipping contest!

   i hide behind the tears of a clown

   Today Apple unveiled the new I-Pad. You know, for those days when your not feeling so fresh.

   I went to the bookshop and asked "How much are your "For Dummies" books?" The guy replied "How much ya got?"

   bored, so is considering dressing as the grim reaper and tapping on the windows of the local retirement home and waving to the residents for entertainment

   thinks that earthquakes might get the wrong impression by us scoring them. Perhaps our invention of the Richter scale has insited them to try harder for a perfect 10!

   If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button

   Bear Grylls. His name is what he eats... and how he cooks it.

   the one who told him that you had a boyfriend who looks like a girlfriend that he had in February of last year.

   tired of my abacus's running away from me, I need one I can count on!

   I came into a girls house, those stains never went away

   a vegetarian, not because he loves animals but because he hates plants!

   wondering if when geriatrics Roger Daltry and Pete Townshend sing, "Who are you?" it has a whole different meaning now.