Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My neighbor is so uptight I could put a lump of coal in his butt and 5 minutes later he'd be like "don't put stuff in my butt anymore, Mike"

   I just found some old "coupons" I got from an ex for a birthday. Any of you ladies take competitor's coupons?

   Of all the animals, man is the only one that is cruel. He is the only one that inflicts pain for the pleasure of doing it.

   8 out of 10 men don't understand women, the other 2 want to be them.

   If you're in a relationship and all you do is cry everyday, you need to stop and ask yourself: "Am I dating a HUMAN or an ONION?"😂😜

   President Vladimir Putin says at least we know where this Malaysian Airliner is.

   Cheese Doritos are like cheese covered razors if you chew a moth full to fast

   Elementary School: YAY CRAYONS! =) Middle School: Crayons? What am I, 3? -__- High School: HOLY SH*T, CRAYONS!

   Glad I noticed it's Ash Wednesday so I don't tell someone they have dirt on their forehead...

   Women are like cheese...They come in different shapes, colours, and with various sized holes. Mature one's have blue veins running through them....And they always go down easier with wine.

   Since Two And A Half Men has been cancelled Charlie Sheen should star in his own reality show titled Two And A Half Brain Cells ~ My Life Filled With Drunken Binges, Being Wasted On Cocaine and Paying For Expensive Hookers.

   If you wear diapers.. I'm pretty sure you're a liberal

   Ok gang, help me get in the loop. Is it considered taboo for Asians to drive vehicles other than a Honda or a Toyota?

   Just stared in horror at the contents of my son's diaper & asked him why he's doing this to our family.

   Smart phones, smart cars, smart everything... Where are all the smart people?

   10: I whip my hair back & forth. 16: I pass my blunt back & forth. 30: I drive my kids back & forth. 80: I rock my chair back & forth.

   I made it through 1/1/1, 2/2/2 all the way through 12/12/12! Whoo-hoo! I'm feeling pretty invincible....Bring on 13/13/13!!!

   April showers bring May flowers. And May flowers bring...pilgrims!!!

   Spray tans, for those who can't get a real tan because they think the sun shines out of their ass.

   Potatoes have skin. I have skin. Therefore, I am a potato.