Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   John Kerry criticised massacres committed by Israel privately; but, publicly he was a fraidy-cat because without Israel's support there would be no win in election you know!

   Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results isn't the definition of insanity,,, it's the definition of parenting.

   One thing the porn industry has taught me is that this summer I defiantly need to get a job as a poolboy.

   I heard my new neighbors having sex last night so I rubbed one out. Just met Eddie and Steve this morning...

   Siri, take the wheel.

   The only difference between a Rectal Thermometor and an oral one is the taste.

   If you've got a big butt, show it off. If you've got a big chest, show it off. If you have a big belly, keep that covered up.​

   In the Ben Affleck version, Batman's parents kill themselves.

   Just got back from the car dealership and long story short, I'm now the proud owner of a giant circus tent.

   Cashier asked me if I wanted a box for my groceries. I said "yes", and she punched me

   Sometimes I wonder if my mind is an amusement park for demons.

   Jesus hung out with the prostitutes an sick people. That's what I do whenever I go to a bar.

   I think I have Bieber fever. That's when a Justin Bieber song comes on the radio and you start throwing up and stabbing yourself right?

   Prisoner hires hitmen to castrate and kill Justin Bieber?!? And all this time I thought Bieber had already been castrated. Don't tell me he sings like that naturally.

   Don't ever talk behind my back, unless you're asking me to raise my ass a little more.

   I hate it when I buy a bag of air and there are chips in it.

   Hello September ツ ...Don't wake 'Green Day' up!

   I was at the bank machine the other day and an old lady approached and asked me to help check her balance.....So I pushed her.

   Millions Head To Internet To Figure Out Their Own Opinions About Debate...

   Yes Justin Bieber has millions of followers on Twitter. BUT just how many of those millions are not idiots?