Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cashier asked me if I wanted a box for my groceries. I said "yes", and she punched me

   Sometimes I wonder if my mind is an amusement park for demons.

   Jesus hung out with the prostitutes an sick people. That's what I do whenever I go to a bar.

   I think I have Bieber fever. That's when a Justin Bieber song comes on the radio and you start throwing up and stabbing yourself right?

   Prisoner hires hitmen to castrate and kill Justin Bieber?!? And all this time I thought Bieber had already been castrated. Don't tell me he sings like that naturally.

   Don't ever talk behind my back, unless you're asking me to raise my ass a little more.

   I hate it when I buy a bag of air and there are chips in it.

   Hello September ツ ...Don't wake 'Green Day' up!

   I was at the bank machine the other day and an old lady approached and asked me to help check her balance.....So I pushed her.

   Millions Head To Internet To Figure Out Their Own Opinions About Debate...

   Yes Justin Bieber has millions of followers on Twitter. BUT just how many of those millions are not idiots?

   This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, But I'd never met herbivore

   When the ATM printed out the receipt showing my account balance, I really don't think the LOL at the end was necessary.

   I'm not much of a Target person...just seems hypocritical that you can't buy guns, ammo or....targets at a place called Target!!

   HD p orn is so clear that you can actually see how disappointed their parents are.

   finally a Godfather! But I'm going to let the kid call me God for short

   A French kiss should not last long,Remember even the French Surrendered.

   Gym Trainer 2 me : No pain no Gain So I kicked him in his nuts...n said "Now wonder what you gonna Gain from this Pain" :P

   ♫Just let your soooouuuuul glow baby, feeling oh so silky smooth. Just let it shine through yeah. Just let your soooouuuul glow oooo....(Soul glow) ♫

   feels like a playa... just eye-f**ked these hot twins for a solid 10 seconds and I don't even know their names.