Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Desperate for sex I headed to the local club and immediately started chatting to the 1st girl I saw and got right to the point. "Hey beautiful, how do you like your eggs in the morning?" "Unfertilized." she replied.

   and the moral of the story is........Rapist don't win Super Bowls!!!

   saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, "Is he on standby?"

   yo mamma so greasy she used bacon as a band-aid

   "Mom I'm Pregnant" White Mom: "WE HAVE TO GET YOU ON 16 & PREGNANT!" Black Mom: " I Done Told Yo Fast Ass Sleepin Around , We Going To Maury"

   Whoever made up the saying "It's the thought that counts" never got a pair ofcrocs for Christmas.

   My neighbor is in training to become a porn star. I asked her how her first day went. She said it was a lot to take in.

   I'm not sure where Crimea is, but I assume it's somewhere near Detroit.

   I imagine love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then Listening to it over and over again till you hate that song."

   I sprayed a spider with axe body spray to kill it but now its name is chad and he is f$cking all the girl spiders in my house.

   When a girl says "lol have fun." do NOT have fun. Abort mission. Repeat Abort Mission.

   John Kerry criticised massacres committed by Israel privately; but, publicly he was a fraidy-cat because without Israel's support there would be no win in election you know!

   Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results isn't the definition of insanity,,, it's the definition of parenting.

   One thing the porn industry has taught me is that this summer I defiantly need to get a job as a poolboy.

   I heard my new neighbors having sex last night so I rubbed one out. Just met Eddie and Steve this morning...

   Siri, take the wheel.

   The only difference between a Rectal Thermometor and an oral one is the taste.

   If you've got a big butt, show it off. If you've got a big chest, show it off. If you have a big belly, keep that covered up.​

   In the Ben Affleck version, Batman's parents kill themselves.

   Just got back from the car dealership and long story short, I'm now the proud owner of a giant circus tent.