Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would like to thank Jesus of Nazareth for the good deal I got on my tires and Jesus of Guatemala for the speedy service.

   A Real Man doesn't love a million girls, he loves a billion.

   Usually I am a loving person, but there are two things in this world I have failed to love, JUSTIN BIEBER AND TWILIGHT MOVIES.

   Ladies: Guys don't care if the carpet matches the drapes, but they prefer bare hardwood...

   Well you can kiss Richard Dawson goodbye...R.I.P

   I wonder what Susan Boyle got for Fathers Day.,

   I am on Buford Avenue and basically ready to wrestle anyone who's up for it. Or even not up for it.

   The fact that the voice in my head yells whenever I read something thats in all capital letter kinda DISTURBS ME.

   Steve Jobs was born out of wedlock, put up for adoption at birth, fired from the company in 1985, dropped out of college, then changed the world. What's your excuse?

   Your ass must be super jealous of all of the sh*t coming out of your mouth…

   I now know that asking "How 'bout those Packers" gets you a different response from gay men verses the straight ones.

   Long Distance Relationships Are For Fat People

   I am woman. Hear me whine.

   The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You're failing now. You're not welcome in Illiteracy Club.

   Just ordered my poster from Vanity Fair of Bruce Jenner to replace my Farrah Fawcett poster

   Went to Mcdonals and asked for a sad meal. What?!?!? Dont judge me, Sad people gotta eat too!

   Asked my 4 if she'd like to take karate. She said she already does karate... *A smart person would have realized a demonstration was coming.

   I expect to see a speeding ticket for a DeLorean going at least 89MPH today.

   *2025... There's only one smoker left in the world... The Quit Smoking ads on tv get personal.... HEY STEVE, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.

   The last time I went camping I stayed home.