Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whatever you are, be a good at it. Even strippers have career goals.

   Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? Its a formality..... Just like two boxers shaking hands before the bloody fight begins....!

   just watched 5 minutes of the maury show because I was too lazy to get outa bed and get the remote, feel like I lost 10-20 IQ points, from now on, gonna keep an emergency brick on the nightstand to throw at the tely in case this happens again

   Made eye contact with a cop on the platform as the train took off. I gave him the finger on principal.

   I made fun of a pale lady with red hair today and I finally saw a real ginger snap.

   Everyone has a 'vodka incident'

   I don't understand the language you are speaking. Can you shut the f*ck up in that same language?

   Imagine how much lag they had 2000 years ago: it took Jesus 3 days to respawn.

   To be or not to be is the question? Bull s**t I choose to be who, what, and how I want to be. Not to be what everybody else wants or expects me to be

   just got my girlfriend her valentines day gift.. shes gonna love her "tube of boob lube"

   Happy Groundhog Day! I hope this day dont repeat itself!

   On my way to the hospital. Just an FYI... Red Bull does NOT give you wings! It gives you a false sense of wings.

   Cartoons: The only place where you can wear the same thing everyday, and nobody cares.

   Shoutout 2 all the dark skinned girls with the cheetah print tattoo that looks like a 2nd degree burn.

   A horse told me not to drive home the other night... I don't think the cop on top of it was amused when I told said "Mind your own business Mr. Ed"....

   When you refer to Ben Roethlisberger as being a "loser" in The Super Bowl, you DO NOT have to use the word "allegedly".

   finally got my certification in the mail, I'm officially insane.

   will you be my 'open the door, take off my clothes, help me to bed, and scooch the trashcan close' ...friend?

   Someday I hope to live in a city where the police DUI checkpoiints allow style points.

   If at first you don't succeed, sigh, sigh again.