Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In the news: Police squad helps dog bite victim. ........... You'd think they would be trying to stop it.

   I'm so broke after Christmas shopping this New Year's I'm gonna party like it's $19.99.

   You know you're at the top of the naughty list when you get nothing under the tree, coal in your stocking and reindeer crap on your roof!

   3 girls I graduated with got engaged yesterday! I, on the other hand, was engaged in knitting in my snuggie while watching "It's a Wonderful Life" for about the hundredth time, and playing Robot Unicorn Attack. Thinking maybe I should get out more....

   How in the heck was Cinderella the only girl in the ENTIRE kingdom to wear that size shoe?

   Seriously, how come they're not called tampoons?

   I hate it when an ugly girl catches me staring at her cleavage.

   If I were the judge at the Samsung & Apple trial I'd say "Let's be honest, both of you stole these ideas from Nokia" & we'd have a laugh.

   Joined a gym once. 12 bystanders were injured. So much blood. 2 people renounced their faith. At night I still hear the treadmill screaming

   My suicide note will probably just be my phone left unlocked

   happy fathers day dad, I hope you found that pack of cigarettes you left to get a long time ago

   Why do huge people by tiny cars? They look like they couldn't find clothes to fit, so they're wearing a car.

   I have a job. Still cant afford healthcare.

   The cats puke looks pretty much exactly like normal cat food. I wonder if they would notice if I just put it back in their bowl?

   After a week in Miami, I realize it's not the heat, it's the stupidity…

   Welcome to Chik-Fila, doesn't really matters what you all protest for, as long as you EAT MORE CHICKEN!!

   I think I'm emotionally constipated, cause I haven't given a sh!t in days.

   since the world is ending tomorrow you should send pictures of your breasts now before it's too late

   Ladies, lets face facts, the only real guy friends without ulterior motives are g@y.

   If one more person calls me dramatic, I swear to Christ I'm going to burn the world down.