Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

   Fat girls are gross, there is nothing sexy about being unhealthy. Stop calling yourself curvy and go for a jog.

   If you're atheist so don't celebrate Christmas

   I am running for King in our next election, this president su - cks. . .

   There was shootings and stabbings surround the BET Awards? You dont say. In other news, meteorologist suggest it "may be hott" today in the Safari Desert.

   "instagram are you okay?" "yeah i'm vine" "what was that" "i said i'm fine"

   Gun Control: Use both hands.

   Celebrating Columbus Day by walking into some stranger's house and telling them I live there now.

   If your mouth is shut in all your pics, we assume that you have funky teeth!!

   Wave your hands in the air, if a bee is right there.

   RIP Ryan Dunn. I'd like to think you entered the afterlife being slingshot in a wheelbarrow.

   Home Alone = Porn at MAX Volume

   <----- threw a crate of Milk Duds all over the floor at a Weight Watchers meeting last night....It was the best game of "Hungry Hungry Hippos" I ever saw!

   February was $5 footlong month and black history month. Who is the evil genius behind that?

   When I die, I'd like someone to keep updating my Facebook status just to freak people out… “hey, who knew they had wi-fi Down there?”

   | ( • )( • ) | Spongebob / ( • )( • ) \ Patrick ( (•)(•) ) Squidward | (•) | Plankton |•||•| Mr.Krabs

   I saw a piece of s$it on the ground yesterday. It reminded me of you.

   A much wittier reply came to mind immediately after I clicked the 'Share' button.

   I want to work at a day spa, I bet I could give a hell of a facial!

   Lady Gaga is a Yankees fan. Point: Mets.