Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some critics say Governor Christie isn't fit to hold office. They should just widen all the doorways where he goes to work. Problem solved.

   The Broncos should just sit on the sidelines and watch the Superbowl for the commercials like the rest of us.

   Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.

   [6:00] This edible is never going to hit. [6:20] *stirring my Pepsi with a fork*

   I love our government! They just voted to borrow $1400 from me so that they can give it to me. Brilliant!

   I'm pretty sure that if I shot the sheriff, I would also shoot the deputy because at that point why the heck not?

   Pro-Trump Girl’s Hair Set On Fire By Anti-Trump Protester At Women’s March. Lib posterchild.

   Never eat a cucumber out of a single girl's refrigerator. That's all.

   I am in competition with no one. I run my own race. I have no desire to play the game of being better than anyone, in any way, shape, or form. I just aim to improve, to be better than I was before. That’s me and I’m free.

   Here's a thought. People are worried about Donald Trump deporting illegal aliens who have a U.S. born child too young to leave behind. Solution: Issue the kid a passport and tell them he can come back when he is old enough to travel on his own.

   Mexico is paying for the wall in the form of tarriffs on goods imported from there.

   America won't be truly great again until we eradicate anyone who willingly orders coleslaw as a side

   In California, ever day is now 420

   Nothing says America needs a third viable political party like having Donald Trump & Hillary Clinton as presidential candidates for the Republican and Democratic Parties respectively.

   The key to friendship is to accept the other person's faults. You'll understand this should I ever develop any.

   I am pretty sure it was more then just water Jack and Jill fetched from the hill, because people just don't come tumbling down for no reason and why was Jack wearing a crown I mean come on there is more to this story people.

   Next time you pull up to a BP station, say, "I'll have whatever the pelicans are having."

   Took me over an hour to calm my dog down yesterday. He was convinced that the newly installed parking meters in town were pay toilets.

   I swear Idiots are like the Air ...they're everywhere..

   If I was a bird, I know who I'd s**t on first...