Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How to avoid getting the short end of the stick? Just stop sharing sticks! There are enough sticks out there that you can have your own.

   Okay, I am getting really irritated. This is the 5th ATM I've been today that's had "insufficient funds".

   US and Chinese warships play game of chicken, Kim Jong said " hey you two.... Uncle!

   Anybody else hate when youre mad at someone or upset at something they did, and instead of fixing the problem to make you feel better or acknowledge that they where wrong and simply say I'm sorry.. They turn it around get mad at you and make you to blame.

   As soon as they start selling cars that drive themselves, I'm getting a booster seat for my cat, and he's gonna chauffeur my arse everywhere.

   Not sure if my doctor is a righty or a lefty but I'm pretty sure he shouldn't have had both on my shoulders during that prostate exam.

   Some critics say Governor Christie isn't fit to hold office. They should just widen all the doorways where he goes to work. Problem solved.

   The Broncos should just sit on the sidelines and watch the Superbowl for the commercials like the rest of us.

   Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.

   [6:00] This edible is never going to hit. [6:20] *stirring my Pepsi with a fork*

   When this Covid thing is over "is starting to sound like... "When the DALLAS COWBOYS win the Super Bowl"

   I love our government! They just voted to borrow $1400 from me so that they can give it to me. Brilliant!

   I'm pretty sure that if I shot the sheriff, I would also shoot the deputy because at that point why the heck not?

   Pro-Trump Girl’s Hair Set On Fire By Anti-Trump Protester At Women’s March. Lib posterchild.

   Never eat a cucumber out of a single girl's refrigerator. That's all.

   I am in competition with no one. I run my own race. I have no desire to play the game of being better than anyone, in any way, shape, or form. I just aim to improve, to be better than I was before. That’s me and I’m free.

   Here's a thought. People are worried about Donald Trump deporting illegal aliens who have a U.S. born child too young to leave behind. Solution: Issue the kid a passport and tell them he can come back when he is old enough to travel on his own.

   Mexico is paying for the wall in the form of tarriffs on goods imported from there.

   America won't be truly great again until we eradicate anyone who willingly orders coleslaw as a side

   In California, ever day is now 420