Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Waiting 30 seconds for a Youtube Ad feels a bit too much like a long term relationship.

   I get particularly worried when cows lick themselves because we are in for some serious competition if they find out how delicious they are.

   Sarcasm needs its own font

   BOOP! -Zebra walking past a self-service checkout.

   I'd call you a p*ssy, but you don't have the depth or the warmth to live up to it.

   "OK. Anyone who wants in the picture get on this side of the table." -Jesus at the Last Supper

   Instead of making laws out of fear that trans women are just men trying to sexually harm women, we should convict the men that are actually harming women.

   Took my dog to sign up for welfare, the clerk said sorry shes not able to....I said why she's got no job, no money, 7 kids and dont know who their dad is.

   broke women should stop carrying big ass purses and bags. You don't need a bag or purse that big to carry all that money you don't have.

   And its absolutely asinine that asinine isn't spelled assanine.

   I only laugh halfway to the bank. That's when I remember I don't have an account. Then I cry all the way to the bar.

   I'm relationship intolerant.

   I came in like a wrecking ball. Then I realized I had the wrong house. My bad.

   I only have two questions for my next girlfriend. 1. Do you want to marry me? 2. Why not?

   I went and mailed some packages today and now I have Post Office Traumatic Stress Disorder.

   H0m0ph0bia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.

   You had me at the correct use of 'their'.

   I hope I never see the day Bieber meets his demise. Facebook would be very dramatic indeed

   Give me a chance girl and I'll grow on you like the unexpected rap verse in an otherwise catchy pop song

   Women like to preach about women empowerment and equality until its time for them to pull out their own chair, then it's "manners".