Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have all these kung-fu skills and no ninjas too fight...I'm starting too think I'm living in the wrong city....

   Lock up your young daughters Roethlisberger will be out celebrating!!

   Justin Bieber. So easy a caveman can do it.

   enjoying the fourth of july, the most american holiday of them all. And what do we do as americans? we drink beer owned by Belgians. (Bud) beer by south Africans, (miller) we eat polish sausages, and shoot fireworks from the Chinese.

   I don't care if Monday's blue... Tuesday's gray and Wednesday too... Thursday I don't care about you... It's Friday, and I don't have any real plans for this evening...

   This is who I am , good points and faults . Take it or leave it and i`m not going to worry what you think about me , accept me or delete me , your choice

   looking at her man, wondering how come he is a knight in shining armor one day and a retard wrapped in tin foil the next.....

   Why men should never take phone messages: "Your gyne colleges called. Your Pabst beer is OK. (I didn't know you liked beer!)"

   Heaven is where the police are British, the chefs are Italian, the mechanics are German, the Lovers are french and it is all organized by the Swiss. Hell is where the police are German, the chefs are British, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss

   So How long do I microwave these teenage turtles before I can teach them karate ?

   Am I the only one who's never seen a pizza delivery girl??

   Be alert! The world needs more lerts!

   Shooting has started on a sequel to the movie Superman "Man of steel" to be titled "Balls of Steel" staring Felix Baumgartner

   When life gives you melons you have dyslexia

   "NFL gives ISIS only a two game suspension.".... Hmmmm..

   I like to think of bathwater as ”Me tea.”

   God: What are they doing? Satan: Getting drunk. I made alcohol. God: *slams fist on table* That looks like too much fun! *creates hangovers*

   My family thinks on New Years Day that Black Eyed Peas matter....Had to remind them that ALL peas matter.

   The Bible is basically the longest set of Terms & Conditions ever, which is why so many people agree with it without knowing why.

   Women: The prettiest flowers in God's garden.