Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Jehovah's Witnesses witnessed me whacking off on my couch.

   Most people in church right now are praying for the service to be over.

   People call it Valentine's Day, I call it Tuesday.

   watching p0rn and eating doritos !

   Christ's Hope Rescuing Iniquitous Souls To Miraculously Administer Salvation!!! Thank God for Christmas!!!!

   The first glass is for myself, the second for my friends, the third for good humor, and the forth for my enemies.

   Justin Bieber. So easy a caveman can do it.

   I have all these kung-fu skills and no ninjas too fight...I'm starting too think I'm living in the wrong city....

   Lock up your young daughters Roethlisberger will be out celebrating!!

   enjoying the fourth of july, the most american holiday of them all. And what do we do as americans? we drink beer owned by Belgians. (Bud) beer by south Africans, (miller) we eat polish sausages, and shoot fireworks from the Chinese.

   I don't care if Monday's blue... Tuesday's gray and Wednesday too... Thursday I don't care about you... It's Friday, and I don't have any real plans for this evening...

   This is who I am , good points and faults . Take it or leave it and i`m not going to worry what you think about me , accept me or delete me , your choice

   looking at her man, wondering how come he is a knight in shining armor one day and a retard wrapped in tin foil the next.....

   Why men should never take phone messages: "Your gyne colleges called. Your Pabst beer is OK. (I didn't know you liked beer!)"

   Heaven is where the police are British, the chefs are Italian, the mechanics are German, the Lovers are french and it is all organized by the Swiss. Hell is where the police are German, the chefs are British, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss

   So How long do I microwave these teenage turtles before I can teach them karate ?

   Am I the only one who's never seen a pizza delivery girl??

   Be alert! The world needs more lerts!

   Shooting has started on a sequel to the movie Superman "Man of steel" to be titled "Balls of Steel" staring Felix Baumgartner

   When life gives you melons you have dyslexia