Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The TSA, groping and handling more packages than USPS since 2001!

   SKY news: 'parachute team die in plane crash'. Couldn't they just have jumped out?

   Conserve energy, How would you feel if someone turned YOU on and then left?

   i used to believe in Faith and Destiny, then I found out they were strippers

   made in heaven

   According to Twilight, it cool to chase 17 year-old tail but only if you're 110 years old.

   Home is where I want to be. The only place that feels like me. World outside just melts away. Relax unwind wrap up the day. Where I spend the night and start the day.

   It is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." I'm talking to you Twi-hards & Beliebers.

   Let's just call the iPhone what it really is: The Toilet Book Pro

   If love is blind, and hate is deaf, you would think stupid would be mute and yet she just keeps on talking...

   no those pants don't make you look fat, it's your ass that makes you look fat.

   if I had a peso for every lame mafia wars update you posted this week, I could afford to put a real hit on your azz!

   Why is the Ice-Cream truck playing the theme from "Deliverance," "Deueling Banjos?" No wait, it's "Music Box Dancer." Whew! The fact that I can name THAT tune is scary in its own right...

   instead of unfriending someone facebook should have an "I really F'ing hate you" button

   Do yourself a favor and stay off of a scale for at least a month! Trust me...

   Five bucks says I'm totally broke.

   To all you virgins.....Thanks for nothing!

   I just heard that Bernie beat Hillary. This is getting out of hand! At least Donald Trump doesn't beat women!

   Press 1 for English.....Who do I get? A Filipino speaking broken English....Sheesh! Hang up, try again.

   New Condom Slogan: Wrap it in latex or she's gonna get your paychecks.