Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't listen to "Right Now" by Van Halen anymore, because all I can think of is Crystal Clear Pepsi.

   The best way to keep your kids out of hot water is to put some dishes in it.

   makes mistakes but the only difference between my mistakes and yours is that I learn from mine...

   I wonder if Samuel L. Jackson reads his lines in all CAPS.

   You see that box with the fb pictures by the top right corner? The day I see any of my friends pictures in it, I'm screwed.

   I have to put my belt on with a boomerang.

   My life is like watching The 3 Stooges in spanish

   wears my glasses to the liquor store in an effort to appear responsible

   Surprised someone hasn't capitalized on a workout video for these sign holders.

   I don't like bragging, hipsters, but wearing ugly clothes that don't fit was my thing in 3rd grade. Also dumb glasses and bad music.

   my smart phone is the dumbest in its class!

   A secret is something you tell to one person at a time.

   When you've tried everything within your power and ability, sometimes the only thing left is to say good-bye.

   Ladies you should start a revolution like the bra burnings in the 60's only I say pantie burnings this time around.

   On this day, 25 years ago, Geraldo Rivera opened Al Capone's vault. WTF is he still working?

   going to make sure he is wearing clean underwear for the rapture.

   Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

   Anybody got a recepie for cicadas?

   I was going to say whats on my mind but @Kanye West showed up and took away the keyboard! What a jackass...

   Something couples do together that causes breakups is called Home Improvement