Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   - I've just written a song about a Tortilla......Well I guess it's more of a Wrap....

   just p*ssed so hard a little bit of laugh came out.

   LIKE IF: your best friends like your Facebook status because they know the story behind it.

   Transparency: The ability to see within another's heart ... all strengths & weaknesses ... and to accept everything unconditionally.

   Found out yesterday that apparently saying I have dyslexia is not a good excuse for driving 51 in a 15 mph school zone.

   Dear Ex, please get out of my head and heart. Sincerely, someone who`s trying to move on.

   Someone told me I was immature. Well guess who's not allowed in my tree house anymore?

   Nobody touch me for 5 minutes and give me a cigarette...I just filled my tank at the gas station

   Nobody gets out of the car until Phil Collins is done singing. It's the law, kids.

   Apocalypse Update - Day 68 (Deep within my Command Bunker): Finally received a TV signal. The only channel I could get was "E" network. Kim Kardasian is knocked up!! The "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" begins!! Well played Mayans, well played!!

   Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it. Let's do it. Let's live in a homeless man's beard.

   Obama & Romney focusing on the middle class & refusing to discuss the poor is like Kobe focusing on taking shots & refusing to pass.

   Ladies, it's common courtesy to let a guy know you're on your period before replying 'yes' to that "Lets chill" text.

   I found a big piece of pie in the fridge late last night with a note that said, "Don't eat me"....Now there's an empty plate with a new note that says, "Don't tell me what to do!"

   I tried to buy a zebra from the zoo and I was told it was not for sale. I said it should be it has bar codes all over it. . .

   British Metallica: Master Of Crumpets.

   Woke up naked and looking so sexy my shower got turned on.

   As long as I work with somebody named Mike, Wednesdays will never be boring.

   God put a woman in the bible and sheruined the whole book in the first chapter

   Bernie Sanders says feel the Bern but it's really Bengay