Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering if any would notice if I were to put something like... "never on schedule, but always on time."

   Religions are authoritarian hierarchies designed to dominate your free will.

   I wish I was 50 years younger and I'll kick your Ass! > Larry Merchant to Floyd Gayweather.

   I may be fat, but you're ugly – I can lose weight!

   Just face it. Comparing England to America is like comparing the WNBA to the NBA…

   Homeland Security is itching to use there new tanks a few more tragedies and here comes martial law

   My mother sent me a private message on fb, telling me that I shouldn't post things that some people might find offensive. after much soul searching I had to do the right thing, so I unfriended her

   exclusive for girls : if you want to make 0.5 KG of fat attractive ..........................just put a nipple on it :)

   Nice Legs What time do they open?

   I mean this in the nicest way possible: I couldn't give 2 sh*ts about Breonna Taylor.

   Parents, Now that you are homeschooling, there is no reason not to put the Bible, the Lord's Prayer, and the Pledge of Allegiance back in the curriculum.

   It is so weak, so convenient, and so easy to disparage Christianity here.there is a profoundness and goodness about Easter that many here are to lazy and shallow to consider.

   Sorry Tebow. God likes Peyton more.

   If I am stuck in traffic for more than 30 minutes due to a wreck, I should be able to view the bodies.

   If you are living your life without giving a 'F', you are only living a LI[ ]E.

   Sometimes I just feel like putting my head down, curling my arms in and falling forward to the ground... 'Cos that's the way I roll!

   Saturday morning = lazy lay in my bed and fart under my sheets all day :)

   It's a sad day when someone dies. Unless you're in the will.

   The world is divided into two kinds of people: those who have tattoos, and those who are afraid of people with tattoos

   I was chatting up a chick online earlier. She said, "I'm curvy, voluptuous and cuddly". I said, "and I'm not that stupid, fatty".