Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *Fat chick posts a picture on Facebook* "Fresh out the shower. (; " Me: "You spelled ocean wrong."

   My girlfriend is a porn star. She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out.....

   Ho, Ho, Ho!" - Santa Claus doing a naughty girl head count.

   Friday is my Second Favorite ''F'' Word!!!

   Hey thanks for the event invitation. I live in Florida, but I'll leave for Utah immediately 'cause God knows I wouldn't wanna miss your sh**ty band's gig at Paul's Bowling Alley.

   Remember when you thought you'd have it all together by the time you were the age you are now?

   I'm at Muppet labs with Dr Honeydew and Beaker trying to come up with a cure for dance fever. It's going well, although we've accidentally blown up Beaker 3 times. He's such a trooper.

   The first thing you should do when a cop asks you to get out of your car is tickle him, just to find out if he's really "all business".

   My wife hasnt stopped looking through the window since it started raining. If it gets worse, I might have to let her back in..

   So, the AC went out in game 1 of the NBA Finals. Spurs won. I guess The Heat couldn't take the heat.

   Time to party like it's 1918.

   Marriage is grand. Divorce is a 100 grand...

   Hockey is better than football. Hockey is fast, the game keeps moving, way fewer penalties, and play is both strategic and arbitrary. Football is mostly about following patterns. So is a sewing class.

   I just told someone that I have to pee pee. It's hard toggling back and forth between being a parent and being a dude.

   Grown men who post elf on a shelf photos have the same number of balls as that elf...

   If miley cyrus and justin beiber were drowning, and you could only save one........ What kind of sandwich would you make?

   Why do my son's socks cost more than my pants?

   Would the real #imsofunny please stand up?

   Actual quote from a girl I met my 1st day of college: "I would have tested out of English but I had too much other things to do."

   Why is Kim K. like KFC? After you've finished with the thighs and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in. 🍗🍖🤑🤑😂😂😂