Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every Maine-ah,,, at the age of 10 has to battle a moose to the death, using only the aid of 4 beavers...

   I clapped because it finished, not because I liked it.

   $ex is the most common event that draws people in to things. Be it sales, facebook posts, etc. I always felt that $ex is not the most important thing. And I've managed to instill this philosophy in all 18 of my kids.

   I was asked if I believed in Astrology! Of course my answer was no us Sagatarians are very skeptical people!!!

   tried ziplining last night. absolutely amazing. what's even more amazing is the fact I still had clean underwear when it was over.

   If I woke up beside you every morning, I would be a morning person.

   I don't think the other guys like when I try to play footsie in the bathroom stalls

   I'll believe self-help books work when I see a bunch of them on a sane person's bookshelf.

   I can't even pronounce my safe word.

   They should just create a channel called "Trash TV" & put all of the trashy shows on it. Their slogan can be "We'll rot your brain." Putting trashy shows on TLC & MTV gives a false sense of security.

   If we all agree not to wake up Green Day today we can get rid of them forever.

   I like to start my flirtatious conversations with, "Hey, hey HEY! I see a restraining order in your future!"

   This debate reminds me of watching MAD's Spy vs Spy!!

   Ladies; Love is giving him the remote...to your vibrator.

   My wife only drinks so she can tolerate me when I'm drunk.

   As it turns out, saying you worked out,,, Is MUCH easier than actually working out.

   Wherever I go, people are waving at me. Maybe if I do a good job, they'll use all their fingers.

   i wonder if they threaten Spongebob's job tonight....all parents are hoping

   BREAKING NEWS: The Broncos just scored on the Chargers again.

   I never, ever pay attention to who unfriends me. But god does.