Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I woke up beside you every morning, I would be a morning person.

   I don't think the other guys like when I try to play footsie in the bathroom stalls

   I'll believe self-help books work when I see a bunch of them on a sane person's bookshelf.

   I can't even pronounce my safe word.

   They should just create a channel called "Trash TV" & put all of the trashy shows on it. Their slogan can be "We'll rot your brain." Putting trashy shows on TLC & MTV gives a false sense of security.

   If we all agree not to wake up Green Day today we can get rid of them forever.

   I like to start my flirtatious conversations with, "Hey, hey HEY! I see a restraining order in your future!"

   This debate reminds me of watching MAD's Spy vs Spy!!

   Ladies; Love is giving him the remote...to your vibrator.

   My wife only drinks so she can tolerate me when I'm drunk.

   As it turns out, saying you worked out,,, Is MUCH easier than actually working out.

   Wherever I go, people are waving at me. Maybe if I do a good job, they'll use all their fingers.

   i wonder if they threaten Spongebob's job tonight....all parents are hoping

   BREAKING NEWS: The Broncos just scored on the Chargers again.

   I never, ever pay attention to who unfriends me. But god does.

   If one person has an imaginary friend, they're crazy, if many people have the same imaginary friend, it's religion??

   ‎"Hello? George? This is Barack. I need to talk to you about Libya..."

   just heard that Obama peeked his head out of the White House and saw his shadow....well, I guess it's six more years of recession...

   What did the little black kid get for Christmas? My bike :(

   The question isn't "Will Sarah Palin run in 2012?", it's "Who will be President in 2014 when she quits?"..