Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's not a real marriage if you crossed your fingers during the ceremony. RIGHT??

   Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. Really good friends help you move bodies no questions asked.

   In my case significant other refers to my liver.

   Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a woman several shots of tequila and you're in for the night of your life.

   Bucket list #33: Get a mouse dressed as a pirate to sit on your shoulder while you hand out Christmas gifts,, Also he should pretend to steer you holding a potato-chip.

   If a typo appears in the dictionary is it officially a new word?

   perfectly capable of lying about whether or not he likes big butts.

   My friend said I was a horrible wing man last night, but I'm not sure. I ate like 90 of them for Christ sake..

   The Chuckle Brothers now work as parking wardens... To meter you.

   Things I have noticed today: Horse meat found in Tesco burgers... and camel toe found in Primark leggings...

   Mr. Drummond dead! What you takin bout Willis???

   Extreme couponers are just hoarders in disguise

   a cup of Starbucks coffee and a cup of Tim Hortons coffee were talking and the Starbucks coffee asked the Tim Horton coffee "Why aren't you as bitter as I am?" The Tim Hortons coffee responded.. "Can't help it, I am Canadian!"

   Next time a fella says he wants to fight you just be like "Not in that outfit" and roller skate away.

   Bigamy: Alternate wifestyles

   I will not rest until ALL food is dinosaur shaped.

   If life is a b*tch then make sure yours is a good looking one!

   My ex-girlfriend gave me the sweetest birthday card, sure it was a restraining order but it's the thought that counts.

   Baby cows all over the world fear for their Mothers as McDonalds gears up for the next Monopoly game.

   Better late than ever definantly applies to your menstrual cycle.