Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I know I'm weird. I accept that.

   Do me a favour; make up your mind, before you mess with mine.

   You know your in the south when you can get your fried chicken and gas at the same store...

   Why thank you for the nausea Halitosis Man!... Hopefully you'll be around to save me with your super powered sh!t breath if I ever accidentally swallow poison.

   adjusting your boxers does not constitute playing with yourself.

   I make good girls go back to the ex they still have feelings for.

   All the angels in heaven are now playing Smart Harps.

   when captain morgan files his taxes for this year .... he's gonna claim me as a dependent

   It sucks whenever you hear a song you really like in public but you don't know the name of it.

   I just went in the bath room, turned the light off and said Bloodymary three times....nothing....ok I'm going back in, this time I'm saying Coors-light 3 times.

   I swear my ex girlfriend has weekly workshops with the devil. I just don't know how much he pays her.

   If you are asking me for directions in Spanish, you are likely to get lost in translation.

   I saw your new boyfriend. So what happened to your standards?

   a facebookworm

   "Leave It To Beaver" is what I am calling it...it's a club for distraught men that have a hard time dealing with women!!

   You like to sleep? Me too, lets do it together sometime.

   You can catch more flies with honey. Or you can eat that honey and not have to deal with expensive fly upkeep.

   She got a body like baywatch but a face like crime watch.

   I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did

   Sorry I wasn't paying attention, I was thinking about having sex with you.