Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   US Open Woman's Tennis trophy. Made in the USA, now Canadian owned!

   Science....because the answer never turned out to be magic. Ever.

   Bernie Sanders just used your $27 donations to buy himself a new summer home

   Forgive me for saying this but if you like the Rolling Stones more than the Beatles we can't be friends.

   Jesus is going to be much harder to find with all these hipsters running around.

   Maybe the pipelines are not the most perfect way to turn our country green, but I'm certainly not going to be able to afford those solar panels if I'm paying $4.95 a gallon.

   Pot Roast. Two of my favorite things.

   I got flipped off three times by the same woman today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.

   I once shot a man in Reno with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.

   If coffee was a drug, my last name would be Winehouse.

   What has red hair, big feet, and lives in a test tube? Bozo the Clone.

   Maybe if you didn't act like thuggish and lazy pieces of crap there wouldn't be a problem

   When sone one yawns , do deaf people think they're screaming

   "The Russians ate my homework" - High school Hillary

   R.I.P. creator of the Big Mac, the most prolific serial killer of all time.

   If I were to have one regret as a parent, it would be that I taught my kids how to talk..

   The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULlcrap.

   "Sometimes I feel I don't belong here." Me, on planet earth

   If hearts were made to be broken then so were faces.

   Just imagine...with one touch of a button, your 5 year old could upload all your phone's photos to iCloud.