Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Restaurants, please stop trying to get clever with your restroom signs. I have a very small bladder."

   I want to kick somebody's a$$, somewhere in the world, who works in a glitter factory.

   off to see the wizard......apparently the brain he gave her doesnt work!!!

   If I told you the Brooklyn Bridge was for sale would you buy it? Well I don't buy your bullsh!t either!

   Power play? I think the Washington Capitals need to work on their Heimlich Maneuver instead.

   Anybody have the list of the theme weeks that are on Facebook? I don't want to miss out on "PAROLE OFFICER WEEK" or "PROCTOLOGIST WEEK". Thanks

   Making lunches for my kids I spotted some mold on the block of cheese and was about to throw it away. My mom stopped me and told me to scrape it off. "They won't even notice... just like you never did." Mom is no longer allowed in the kitchen....EVER..!

   It feels like we haven't seen each other in years Why don't you join me for a couple of beers clink cheers

   I feel like a million bucks...now where can I go cash this in?

   I'd rather be late in this world than early in the next.

   “Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.”

   Some stuff gets better with age, other stuff feels the effects of gravity.

   Does not play well with other's

   Douchenozzles flock to the internet for the simple reason that whatever stupid crap they can get away with online would earn them a cap in the a$$ in real life.

   I wish the government would takeover all the Farmville land and sell it off Facebook to pay down the national debt

   it is unbelievable how much hair I'm pulling outta my nose, I wonder If I can sell it to the people who make wigs...

   Sometimes late at night I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.

   found out softcore porn isn't like real sex, it doesn't fade out to a candle, waterfall or something lame like that."

   I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!

   Thinks he should change his name to TomTom. I have had at least 5 people today stop and ask me for directions. I guess I look like a guy who knows where he is going… If they only new the truth, LoL