Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You are what you eat. So stay away from the jerk chicken.

   You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.

   MTV just sent me a message that had something to do with fist pumping with Snooki and The Situation this New Year's Eve. Can I fist pump them in the jaw?

   it is unbelievable how much hair I'm pulling outta my nose, I wonder If I can sell it to the people who make wigs...

   Sometimes late at night I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.

   found out softcore porn isn't like real sex, it doesn't fade out to a candle, waterfall or something lame like that."

   I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!

   Thinks he should change his name to TomTom. I have had at least 5 people today stop and ask me for directions. I guess I look like a guy who knows where he is going… If they only new the truth, LoL

   Rose tint my world keep me safe from my trouble and pain....

   all I need is a little piece and quiet, so give me a little piece and i'll be quiet

   I recognize three out of the fifty ingredients listed here. This is food, right? I'll eat it, but I'll never understand it.

   I think the no passing notes at school policy should apply to teachers too.

   furiously searching for my misplaced Mozambican shrunken head. Well my evening is ruined...

   What part of Floccinaucinihilipilification dont you understand?

   Intex Easy Set Pools just sent a big "Thank You" note to BP...

   I might not see you all the time but your always on my mind!!

   In an effort to boost sales, some stores are doing a "Christmas in July" completes with holiday music, decorations and sales. Nothing will put you in a buying/holiday/festive mood like Santa in a speedo.

   I want you as much as Lady Gaga wants Alejandro!

   she's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice..yup, I'd still hit it

   `edison failed 10,000 times before he made the electric light.do not be discouraged if you fail a few times`-napoleon Hill