Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That frisk you give yourself when you can’t feel your phone. you even pat your knees like your phone could ever be there.

   I only date women that aren't my wife.

   I drank a weight loss shake, immediately weighed myself and I gained 12 ounces...this stuff is a bunch of malarkey!

   I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it

   The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I'm the only party guest.

   off to see the wizard......apparently the brain he gave her doesnt work!!!

   If I told you the Brooklyn Bridge was for sale would you buy it? Well I don't buy your bullsh!t either!

   some people need to learn proper "Jump Off" ettiquetts.

   Anybody have the list of the theme weeks that are on Facebook? I don't want to miss out on "PAROLE OFFICER WEEK" or "PROCTOLOGIST WEEK". Thanks

   Making lunches for my kids I spotted some mold on the block of cheese and was about to throw it away. My mom stopped me and told me to scrape it off. "They won't even notice... just like you never did." Mom is no longer allowed in the kitchen....EVER..!

   It feels like we haven't seen each other in years Why don't you join me for a couple of beers clink cheers

   I feel like a million bucks...now where can I go cash this in?

   I'd rather be late in this world than early in the next.

   “Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.”

   Some stuff gets better with age, other stuff feels the effects of gravity.

   Does not play well with other's

   Douchenozzles flock to the internet for the simple reason that whatever stupid crap they can get away with online would earn them a cap in the a$$ in real life.

   I wish the government would takeover all the Farmville land and sell it off Facebook to pay down the national debt

   "Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research."...Wilson Mizner

   If you have to start your sentance with "Now you know I'm not a bigot..." chances are you are...