Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it weird if I ask my ex if I could use her as a reference for my resume for a new girlfriend?...

   If all this Global Warming keeps up, I think Atlanta may have to add to it's fleet of 8 snow-plows......

   "Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research."...Wilson Mizner

   If you have to start your sentance with "Now you know I'm not a bigot..." chances are you are...

   You are what you eat. So stay away from the jerk chicken.

   You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.

   MTV just sent me a message that had something to do with fist pumping with Snooki and The Situation this New Year's Eve. Can I fist pump them in the jaw?

   What part of Floccinaucinihilipilification dont you understand?

   Intex Easy Set Pools just sent a big "Thank You" note to BP...

   I might not see you all the time but your always on my mind!!

   In an effort to boost sales, some stores are doing a "Christmas in July" completes with holiday music, decorations and sales. Nothing will put you in a buying/holiday/festive mood like Santa in a speedo.

   I want you as much as Lady Gaga wants Alejandro!

   she's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice..yup, I'd still hit it

   `edison failed 10,000 times before he made the electric light.do not be discouraged if you fail a few times`-napoleon Hill

   I love sleep so much that its the first thing I think about when I wake up....

   Doing my weekly Anti-virus scan, my laptop is a slut.

   Woman claims Brett Favre texted her penisshots. At first he said he wasn't gonna do it, then he did, then wasn't going to again, then did…

   Whenever I ask "Why me?... a voice always says, "So, who else did you have in mind?"

   A woman is the only thing I am afraid of that I know will not hurt me. Abraham Lincoln

   Sorry, but it was time he ended it. You're both going different directions in life... he's getting taller, and let's face it... you're just getting fatter.