Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   About the sperm that won...I think there was race-fixing.

   In the immortal words of the great Philosopher, Method Man: "Cash rules everything around me, dolla dolla bill y'all."

   they say you sould talk to plants, because they can feel the love. what in the hell do you say to weed?

   "I'm easy to get along with, just agree with me".

   Talk to your grandparents about the dangers of sexting.

   What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problem 99% demons

   You too can make the Yuletide gay with this delicious peppermint-flavored lube.

   Remember Christmas is a time for giving, so give generously, I accept credit cards, checks and cash.

   My favourite Christmas gift was a 24-pack of high-quality socks. I have worn them all already and now I'm depressed and in withdrawal.

   In these days of AIDS and HERPES, there are some people whose ex-lovers you just don't want to mess with for health reasons.

   Sometimes I wish to hear words from you that I used to hear when we started dating.

   Falling for you was fun… until I hit the ground

   encourages everyone this year to give pencils and coupons to Trick-or-Treaters who show up without a costume

   Facebook: the best way for singles to know if they want to date someone or just poke em

   Some peoples confidence is too close to arrogance to take them seriously

   If I don't make at least one person scream, "WTF" then my day is not done yet.

   Its a good thing its Halloween already, The skeletons in my shed are starting to stink up the neighborhood!!

   I don't like the way this guy in the mirror is looking at me.

   I'm thankful I can scroll quickly through what everyone's thankful for.

   when somebody tells you to go "f*** yourself" use reverse psychology and say "hell no...I'll do it right here thank you very much"