Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My G/F said for Valentine's Day I needed to be more affectionate...so I got 2 Girlfriends! ;)

   It seems Animal Planet has combined with CMT...

   The temps here (Orlando, FL) were in the low 30s three days ago. Today, the highs are supposed to hit the mid 80s. At exactly what point in time was Mother Nature replaced by The Three Stooges?

   All's well that ends well. So, nothing's well.

   About the sperm that won...I think there was race-fixing.

   In the immortal words of the great Philosopher, Method Man: "Cash rules everything around me, dolla dolla bill y'all."

   they say you sould talk to plants, because they can feel the love. what in the hell do you say to weed?

   "I'm easy to get along with, just agree with me".

   Talk to your grandparents about the dangers of sexting.

   What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problem 99% demons

   You too can make the Yuletide gay with this delicious peppermint-flavored lube.

   Remember Christmas is a time for giving, so give generously, I accept credit cards, checks and cash.

   My favourite Christmas gift was a 24-pack of high-quality socks. I have worn them all already and now I'm depressed and in withdrawal.

   In these days of AIDS and HERPES, there are some people whose ex-lovers you just don't want to mess with for health reasons.

   Sometimes I wish to hear words from you that I used to hear when we started dating.

   Falling for you was fun… until I hit the ground

   encourages everyone this year to give pencils and coupons to Trick-or-Treaters who show up without a costume

   Facebook: the best way for singles to know if they want to date someone or just poke em

   Some peoples confidence is too close to arrogance to take them seriously

   If I don't make at least one person scream, "WTF" then my day is not done yet.