Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They say, "You are what you eat" ... The thing is, I don't remember eating a sexy b!tch.... oh wait a minute. Scratch that....

   I read where it said that having sex burns 4 calories per minute. I mean come on, are you serious? This has to be worng. How was this ever verified? A WHOLE minute??

   Note to self: The acronym for "Save the Date" is not appropriate to include all over a work memo

   living the Champagne lifestyle with Bud Light pockets

   Yes Mom, I can watch TV and be on the computer.

   I hate it when my inner child talks back to the voices in my head.

   I never text while I'm driving. I'm too busy putting on my makeup.

   true friends got your back not sit onthe couch and watch you get your ass kicked .

   I just had a Clark Kent moment, I didn't recognize you because you didn't have your glasses on.

   there is no validity to greatness achieved if not accompanied by humility....jr

   'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

   wondering,What ever happened to those scientists who said pot kills brain cells?

   The Royal Wedding: it's like a Steve Jobs Keynote, but for girls...

   what??!! hey buried Osama in the sea? Now will he get 72 virgin mermaids !!

   I guess Osama shouldent have used his real address on his PSN account

   wondering, can I still use the big stall if my handicap is being emotionally crippled?

   Dam you rapture this is exactly as my last crapy life..guess I'm in hell..!!!

   It's not often I write the word "bananas," but I always pause and thank Gwen Stefani when I do.

   • A short man is more appealing to women when he is standing on his wallet.

   if only I could lose weight as fast as I lose money