Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   volunteering at the nursing home today, she's hiding false teeth instead of Easter eggs for the Easter hunt.

   's girlfriend was out playing golf and got hit between the 1st and 2nd holes. Doesn't leave much room for a Band-Aid

   first they ban all the mexicans from az and now my happy Meals from cali,.,.,. Wats upp with this country??

   the world is hilarious, first swine flu then justin bieber then oil spill?!

   It still haunts me to this day; what I did for that Klondike Bar.........

   Today I want to say happy fathers day, and also say thanks to all the moms. just remember fellas without moms there would be no dads !!

   Donald Trump has no political experience whatsoever. Meanwhile you need 5 years experience for an entry level management level position at Chilli's.

   Why can't I find out anything on Google about this Superb Owl

   It all went to hell when attacking what we hate became more important than defending what we love.

   There is a person out there for everyone. Your person just happens to be three cats.

   I'm just chilling tonight with my new plane............. Oops, I've said too much.

   If love is blind....why is lingerie so popular?

   *sees a knife for the first time..... "WHOA,,, that's the greatest thing since torn bread.."

   Wife: You bought beer again!? Me: It followed me home. It needed love. I adopted it. [whispers to beer] Say hello to mommy.

   If your girl ever says “tell me the truth and I won’t be mad” bro lie your ass off, cause she's lying her damn self

   No Mr. Fifty-Something Rider, clean saddle soaped leathers and a $20,000 Harley don't make you a "Biker" any more than a tutu and a pair of pointe shoes makes me a "Ballerina".

   DIET TIP: If you eat an entire tub of hummus and a bowl of applesauce, you will poop a sandcastle complete with moat... I know that now

   The average toddler laughs over 200 times a day. The average adult laughs about 17. At age 42 peekaboo and I got your nose is just not as funny anymore.

   - You know life is hard when gas prices are higher than your GPA.

   I'm so unreliable that I'm thinking about dressing up as a calculator for Halloween just so my friends can finally count on me.