Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think some people should have two Facebook pages. One for each face.

   Marriage is like a deck of cards. All you need in the beginning are 2 Hearts and a Diamond, and by the end all you want is a Club and a Spade!

   My son is being forced to smoke by our French exchange student....Pierre Pressure

   I bought a bag of air that contained some chips

   Nothing makes a man happier than his son being on the cover of a Wheaties Box! His daughter on the cover of Business Week! His girlfriend in Playboy! And his wife on the back of a carton of Milk!!!

   Let me eat your face off.....said no pot head ever!

   I hate those jerks who claim, "If you don't vote, don't complain". That's like going to a restaurant, and the only two items on the menu are s**t and vomit, yet it's my fault the place failed because I didn't order either one.

   The Book of ELI, was opened in the Fourth Quarter of the SuperBowl!!!!

   I needs some skittles and a yoohoo

   You know you are in for a sh!t day when you're sitting in the waiting room of an abortion clinic with your girlfriend & your wife walks in.

   will even let you hold the remote control

   Milton's stapler!

   Fantasy football is about as close as most men will ever get to being a professional athlete.

   The Olympics dont matter no one will talk About It After a week

   Damn it, we're men. It's our god-given right to watch sports and smut.

   and 17 other friends removed you from their friend list on Facebook.

   MNF = When the DOLPHINS go 3-1 and Tom Brady wishes he rather be at the salon getting rid of that "bieber" hair....

   If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

   she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."

   Wondering if film directors wake up screaming"CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" when they have nightmares?