Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nice dress,and by dress I mean ass.

   Does McDonalds really believe by showing Olympic Athletes in their commercials it's going to make their food any healthier!

   You know it's hot outside when you see the Pillsbury dough boy climbing back into the oven while muttering "Screw this, I'd rather be in here."

   When Karma come back to punch you in the face, I wanna be there.... Just incase it needs help!

   Somedays, I just like to live wild and dangerous... These are the days I say to a woman, "calm. the. hell. down."

   Some people only have two senses, Bourbon and revenge.

   i just shake my head when I see a joke on the recent that I seen on RECENT months ago

   I'm tired after a long day of getting out of bed.

   Not sure if my bed is calling me or if its the girl I left handcuffed all day

   hmmm this cereal is bland, tasteless, boring, flat, flavorless...*reads box* oh,,, this is Synonym Toast Crunch

   Monday,.. that better not be your ugly ass I see peeking around the corner!

   Ps4 $399 xbox $499 ....... I think I hear Microsofts sobs from here.

   You're either a Vatican, or a Vatican't

   Some nights... When I can't sleep.. I stay up and ponder life's greatest unanswered questions... Like: How long it would take a giraffe to throw up. So I did some digging, and apparently, it is a leading cause of Giraffe death... And now I'm sad. :(

   My dream job is to be that guy at the mall who plays with those remote controlled helicopters all day.

   Yeah, I'm F.I.N.E., (F)alling apart, (I)nsecure, (N)eeding help, (E)verything's wrong.

   Donald Trump, first hampster to human hair transplant recipient.

   Driving around with the windows down, blasting some Burl Ives, trying to score some holiday sluts.

   Sorry about last night texts. My phone was drunk.

   Be glad you're not here to smell that one.