Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How do you keep a New Orleans Saint out of your yard? Put up goal posts.

   America sacrificed its hero's to be free, so idiots like you can post stupid status

   What I learned from Gilligan's Island: You can go camping for five years wearing a pair of white pants and they will still look brand new.

   I hope the police take the Orange Man's advice and rough him up when he is finally arrested for being a Russian Spy.

   Thought the commercial showing the president as a chicken (or was it a c@ck) was pretty funny

   thinks real men should never say the words "sippy cup".

   just found out why the chicken crossed the road....it's really not that funny

   used to be legit. He was too legit. He was too legit to quit... but now he's not legit. He's unlegit. And for that reason, he must quit.

   The weather is such a slut, when its hot out it makes everyone take there cloths off, the wind is always blowing people, the rain make everybody wet, and the snow covers everybody in white stuff.

   Madonna picked to sing at superbowl halftime, cause if its one thing guys like is an old woman singing lame songs they hated the first time they heard them 30 years ago

   ‎"No diet will remove all the fat from your body, because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office."

   it did not taste like chicken at all

   If Casey Anthony writes a book called "If I did it", I will snap.

   What do you think it means if there's no fortune in your cookie?

   Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure.

   A fool is a 37th floor window washer who steps backs to see his work.

   the only thing stronger than a mother's love is a garlic breath.

   I just told my kids that our dog died, when in reality he went off to live happily on a farm somewhere

   I'm a proud supporter of the Occupy sesame street protest.

   It's gonna be a scorcher..... so I want to be clear here.....SAY NO to sandals and socks....... you have been warned !!!!!