Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What is the fascination with space jumper, Felix Baumgartner's balls?

   We should have known we were doomed as a race when people started buying ready-grated cheese.

   I feel like I have my cranky pants pulled all the way up to my armpits!

   think comcast went back to dial up today...... just saying

   I want to formally apologize to cats for being the go-to animal for crazy and lonely people .

   The sins of some are the pleasures of others.

   If slow-walkers only knew the pain of the fast-walkers trapped behind them, they may just speed it up a little.

   so powerful that a single one of my pubic hairs could shut down an entire restaraunt for a week!

   Last night was so romantic ...that she didn't even press charges.

   Started from the bottom now I'm even lower!!

   There comes a time in your life where nothing gets you excited anymore. I've had this feeling for like 5 years now.

   This bar has like 50 different kinds of beer and DiGiorno pizza and the bouncer keeps telling me it's a "grocery store"

   I'm not lost. I'm just exploring different ways of reaching nowhere.

   What doesn't kill you was only practicing.

   Gangnam style should hit 1billion YouTube hits by 21st December. .. well played Mayans

   I wish I had the remote for the tornado sirens that could make friday a little more interesting around here

   Just donated my body to science. I'm your problem now, science and I could use some hot wings and beer.

   not sure if I miss my girlfriend, or just really horny.

   Do these binoculars make my hot neighbor look fat?

   I'm having a love/hate relationship with my antihistamines.