Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You ladies lied to me. Showing more thigh and accentuating my cleavage got me a trip to the HR office not a raise.

   Me: Glad, I am very happy today. Life: lol!! one second :P

   'It looks like the Hunter has become the Hunted" -Things I say to strangers when they find me in their car.

   Differance between my wife and a hooker is my wife costs more and does not leave after sex.

   Resist the urge to argue with idiots.

   I was just driving behind a car covered in pro life stickers and I thought "Man, that car hates abortion". Then it dawned on me that I don't know my car's political views. What if my car is a Republican? Or a racist? Maybe I don't want to know. I like my

   Now accepting wagers as to which will be the faster and more prolific descent today: Felix Baumgartner space jump or the Buffalo Bills....

   What is the fascination with space jumper, Felix Baumgartner's balls?

   We should have known we were doomed as a race when people started buying ready-grated cheese.

   I feel like I have my cranky pants pulled all the way up to my armpits!

   think comcast went back to dial up today...... just saying

   I want to formally apologize to cats for being the go-to animal for crazy and lonely people .

   The sins of some are the pleasures of others.

   If slow-walkers only knew the pain of the fast-walkers trapped behind them, they may just speed it up a little.

   so powerful that a single one of my pubic hairs could shut down an entire restaraunt for a week!

   Last night was so romantic ...that she didn't even press charges.

   Started from the bottom now I'm even lower!!

   There comes a time in your life where nothing gets you excited anymore. I've had this feeling for like 5 years now.

   This bar has like 50 different kinds of beer and DiGiorno pizza and the bouncer keeps telling me it's a "grocery store"

   I'm not lost. I'm just exploring different ways of reaching nowhere.