Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   watching a Blade movie marathon and began to wonder; where did all these vampires learn there martial arts? What after-hours karate school do they go too?

   I hear that boxers don't have sex before a fight. I guess beating the crap out each other after sex would hurt their relationship.

   Revolution until victory

   death is the leading cause of funerals in this country.

   It seems like only yesterday that my abs didn't have the letters "FL" in front of them.

   I think cartoon characters should age every season, I wouldn't mind if alot of them were killed off due to old age.

   just hired Blondie to perform at his rapture party.

   Just because we're friends on Facebook doesn't mean that I actually like you in »»real life««

   I quit smoking!!!! if the world is coming to an end in December 2012, I will be so pissed .....

   I just went to Whole Foods to do my grocery shopping. I now call it "Whole Paycheck".

   This toilet seat is frickin cold!!

   disney has women looking for their handsome prince. dreamworks is more accurate with the ugly ogre

   To every girl suffering from many friend request !..............Put ur real picture without makeup as ur profile pic !!

   If you ever laugh so hard that your ass actually comes off, sh!t probably stops being funny real quick.

   I was walking down a street today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought.. "Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?" And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson!

   What do men have in their pants that is 6 inches, has a head on it, and women like to blow it? Answer: A $20 dollar bill

   They had 16 and pregnant, now can we get an '18 and graduated' or '21 and Established?' Then again, y'all ain't gon watch that, shame.

   I'm looking forward to going back in time tonight.. between 1:am to 2:am you can do whatever you want only to have it all erased when you go back in time!..I've got plans! ;)

   Looking to prank someone? Put Bieber tickets on really cheap & post their phone number.

   I actually did see mommy kissing Santa Claus. At the mall. I was 8. My dad was pissed.