Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans sorry giraffe but I gotta do what's best for me..

   A guide dog joke? I didn't see that coming.....

   Stop planking gramma, that's not even a thing anymore. .....Gramma????

   ... This is Lawrence, Kansas... Is there anybody out there?... Anybody at all?

   I'm developing a reality series featuring older divorcées that live in "pink houses" in the woods competing for breast implants. I'm calling it "Cougar Melon Camp."

   I wonder if Manti Te'o's imaginary girlfriend ever suspected him of not seeing somebody else...

   It's been a long day,,,I need one of those hugs that turns into sex.

   STD = She's That Dirty

   My family treats me like a GOD,,,,,, They only talk to me if they want something

   Dear Windshield Wipers, "Can't Touch This!!" ... Sincerely, The Little Triangle

   "Everyday I'm buffering" – Youtube

   Hey girly, how about you don't tell me how much beer I should drink, & I won't tell you how much makeup you should wear.

   Where would you like me to stick it. The Yapper,,, the Crapper,,,,,or the Flapper!?

   my buddies and I have an agreement when it comes to women. We agree they're all crazy...

   The Boston Bombers mom looks alot like the Wicked Witch in the Land of Oz movie to me....... Let's hope she doesn't have any flying monkeys.

   Hate to break it to everyone, but A-B-C really wasn't as easy as 1-2-3.

   Marriage is like prison except the food is better and your cellmate never changes.

   From time to time, I like to remind my daughter's boyfriend of the very real danger of falling I'll from a sudden, gunshot related illness.

   It takes 17 muscles to smile but it only takes 1 finger to show the world how you feel.

   When a woman asks you “what did you just say?” Repeat whatever you just said. Then start inviting people to your funeral.