Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   STD = She's That Dirty

   My family treats me like a GOD,,,,,, They only talk to me if they want something

   Dear Windshield Wipers, "Can't Touch This!!" ... Sincerely, The Little Triangle

   "Everyday I'm buffering" – Youtube

   Hey girly, how about you don't tell me how much beer I should drink, & I won't tell you how much makeup you should wear.

   Where would you like me to stick it. The Yapper,,, the Crapper,,,,,or the Flapper!?

   my buddies and I have an agreement when it comes to women. We agree they're all crazy...

   The Boston Bombers mom looks alot like the Wicked Witch in the Land of Oz movie to me....... Let's hope she doesn't have any flying monkeys.

   Hate to break it to everyone, but A-B-C really wasn't as easy as 1-2-3.

   Marriage is like prison except the food is better and your cellmate never changes.

   From time to time, I like to remind my daughter's boyfriend of the very real danger of falling I'll from a sudden, gunshot related illness.

   It takes 17 muscles to smile but it only takes 1 finger to show the world how you feel.

   When a woman asks you “what did you just say?” Repeat whatever you just said. Then start inviting people to your funeral.

   Can you do me a favour? Stand in front of my car, I need to test my brakes.

   Fish have sex without penetration. Yes I was watching National Geographic all weekend.

   why don't you go slip into something more comfortable......................like a Coma

   8 pound baby?1?!? that pretty cheap

   Does Stephen Hawking think that automated calls are making fun of him?

   I turned my lights off early. These little beggars aren't getting all my candy.

   It's a good thing my bed can't file a restraining order.