Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whats the difference between Michael Brown and Michael Brown jokes? ... Michael Brown jokes will get old one day

   Farts are a poop's way of texting, "On my way."

   If Trump becomes President of the United States ..... Will he rename the plane .... Hair Force One?

   The "AMERICAN" flag in my yard is hanging at half staff for those lost in Pearl Harbor, no one else.....that is all

   Why can't the DEVIL jst swallow his pride & ask GOD for forgiveness so we can all go back to the garden of EDEN & live happily NAKED?

   I bet everything thing you eat and drink at Donald Trump's house has a hair in it.

   I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day

   Trump comes to Texas and the sun immediately comes out. Amazing!

   Contrary to popular belief, "Damn It" is not God's last name.

   I've just started a band called 999 Megabytes. We haven't done a gig yet

   ...If you look at LIFE like a piano - where the white keys represent happiness & the black keys represent sadness.. As life goes on, you realize the black keys make the music too...(",)

   What do you call a black businessman? A drug dealer.

   My Man Crush Monday is: Obama. I hope a rock falls, and crushes his head.

   done signing autographs

   Fat girls should not wear tight jeans... just sayin

   Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

   Pandas are living proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.

   It's hard to maintain good eye contact with a cute pedestrian once she slips beneath your wheel.

   One of the greatest advantages about having a child in diapers is that there is always a constant supply of Desitin for the mornings after I ate some wings or Mexican food.

   playing punch buggy with your mother