Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have 250 mutual friends with this one guy on facebook. The weird thing is that I like all of them way better than him.

   If you love something, set it free... Maybe not sharks though, Or bees. Or viruses, Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don't love anything.

   The eucalyptical is a rare machine, found only in koala gyms.

   since i'm not having much luck with the ladies, maybe I'll give that Pope gig a try...

   So, I found out I have O.D.D. Obnoxious Drunk Disorder.

   The opposite of Viagr a is marriage!

   When girls have a long list of "must haves" they "aren't settling". When guys do it they are "too picky"...

   If you like it then you should have put a ring on it. Or refrained from referring to her as “it” so much

   We let anxiety drive so we could use our energy to worry about crashing.

   Sorry for being a human being. I wanted to be a panda but I wasn't given the option.

   Girlfriends are like songs. No matter how much you love it, if you hear it all the time it will eventually drive you nuts.

   I may not have abs of steel, but I have overheard a lot of people whispering about my "rock bottom".

   Psycho is the new normal

   Note to self: Don't flirt with unstable girls. They take you serious.

   Mess with telemarketers! Some aren't allowed to hang up, so answer the call, take a shower, have a snack, then say "no thanks."

   The last time I had surgery the Red Cross had to team up with Grey Goose to match my blood type.

   this is what has happened when the have Giants won the Superbowl....1987 Black Monday Stock Market Crash,1991 Gulf War part 1,2008 Economy Crashes....2012

   I'm getting really sick of people not referring to my work as "unparalleled."

   thinks animal testing is a terrible idea; what if they get all nervous and give the wrong answers?

   Skrillex looks like Darlene from Rosanne #GRAMMYs