Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you don't feel the love on Facebook then you're stalking the wrong people.

   Deciding whether to sit by the sweaty obese man or the woman with 1 year old triplets is kind of the Sohie's Choice of flying on Southwest.

   Before I got married I had six theories about parenting. Now I have six kids and no theory.

   I can't believe I've been walking around all day with this massive heart on

   I know you didn't intentionally send me all those game requests, much in the same way I didn't intentionally b@sh in your $kull for sending them.

   She is not crazy, she is female.

   I have 250 mutual friends with this one guy on facebook. The weird thing is that I like all of them way better than him.

   If you love something, set it free... Maybe not sharks though, Or bees. Or viruses, Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don't love anything.

   The eucalyptical is a rare machine, found only in koala gyms.

   since i'm not having much luck with the ladies, maybe I'll give that Pope gig a try...

   So, I found out I have O.D.D. Obnoxious Drunk Disorder.

   The opposite of Viagr a is marriage!

   When girls have a long list of "must haves" they "aren't settling". When guys do it they are "too picky"...

   If you like it then you should have put a ring on it. Or refrained from referring to her as “it” so much

   We let anxiety drive so we could use our energy to worry about crashing.

   Sorry for being a human being. I wanted to be a panda but I wasn't given the option.

   Girlfriends are like songs. No matter how much you love it, if you hear it all the time it will eventually drive you nuts.

   I may not have abs of steel, but I have overheard a lot of people whispering about my "rock bottom".

   Psycho is the new normal

   Note to self: Don't flirt with unstable girls. They take you serious.