Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Would you support NASA sending a probe to Uranus?

   It takes about 3.4 seconds for me to go from "this is the best day ever" to "I want to stab every human being on planet Earth."

   The real question now is what are all these kids going to do with the Bernie tattoos? Maybe Hillary should offer a removal fee forgiveness plan....

   .... The new Battle Cry of today's American Politicians ..... "Damn the Constitution, ..... Full Speed Ahead!"

   I love you like drunk people love EVERYTHING and EVERYBODY

   Today is World Book Day.... or as today's generation calls it, "World What Day?"

   Some people should not have been given the ability to talk and breathe at the same time

   I beleive in shopping locally. Thats why I am the town drunk.

   "After the Thrill is Gone" is my favorite song about married sex.

   I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN! - A liver's battle cry

   A clown wanted to buy my car but never got back to me after I told him "Serious Offers only".

   Mayweather just made $41 million for a workout. Life is so unfair.

   if you want to appear like an employee, just wear a security card, hang around looking seriously. :))

   The phrase “I don’t get women” has two different meanings depending on your marital status.

   Baby, I'll respect you in the morning if you leave tonight.

   BREAKING: NY Jets trade Kellen Winslow for Pee Wee Herman...

   Blacking out is the ultimate in relaxation.

   Why was your bf wearing your bra?

   It's hard to focus on a home workout when your home also contains a refrigerator full of delicious food and beer

   Went to the grocery store with my sister and she got kicked out because she was complaining that all the bananas were bent...