Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Huh?" -Vincent Van Gogh................. "What?" -Ludwig von Beethoven

   When exactly do young chicks become old hens? Just asking for my wife and her clucking friends.

   To those with crappy moms, Happy ignoring your crappp mom day. It makes her miserable.

   Fact: When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.

   If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.

   A fun thing to do today when we leave the Zoo, will be to start frantically running and yelling "OMG they've all escaped!"

   Examination room walls have seen and heard more sincere prayers than any temple.

   Would you support NASA sending a probe to Uranus?

   It takes about 3.4 seconds for me to go from "this is the best day ever" to "I want to stab every human being on planet Earth."

   The real question now is what are all these kids going to do with the Bernie tattoos? Maybe Hillary should offer a removal fee forgiveness plan....

   .... The new Battle Cry of today's American Politicians ..... "Damn the Constitution, ..... Full Speed Ahead!"

   I love you like drunk people love EVERYTHING and EVERYBODY

   Today is World Book Day.... or as today's generation calls it, "World What Day?"

   Some people should not have been given the ability to talk and breathe at the same time

   I beleive in shopping locally. Thats why I am the town drunk.

   "After the Thrill is Gone" is my favorite song about married sex.

   I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN! - A liver's battle cry

   A clown wanted to buy my car but never got back to me after I told him "Serious Offers only".

   Mayweather just made $41 million for a workout. Life is so unfair.

   if you want to appear like an employee, just wear a security card, hang around looking seriously. :))