Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today I saw a baby with a bib that said “This dumba$$ put my cape on backwards.”

   Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?

   We all have that one friend who always gives the best relationship advice , but is still single.

   We can learn at least one thing from all those villains from those superhero movies. They never run from a fight, even if they knew they had no chance of winning!

   Today I went on thesaurus.com and searched "ninjas" The computer told me "Ninjas cannot be found" Well played, ninjas, well played

   The biggest mistake I have made in my life is letting people stay in my life far longer than they deserve..

   Thank you for informing me that you have a stick figure family of 6 and a dog. Your minivan had me under the impression that you were wild and single.

   Every dog is a badass until you decide to vacuum.

   Tried to change my password to Twilight but got an error message saying it contains too many useless characters

   I liked Hoarders much better when it was called Sanford & Son.

   The spider in my shower was probably relieved to get washed down the drain after the view of me he got from that angle.

   Does this 50 pound bag of cat food make me look single?

   Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.

   Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets???

   Marriage tip: Don't

   I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.

   pissed..he just bought a DVD entitled "Tiger's 18 Favorite Holes", and the damn thing is about GOLF!!

   Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said bet you can't hit me with a quarter!

   Went to see Hot Tub Time Machine... turned out to be raunchy, simple-minded, sophomoric, crude, brainless, poorly executed slapstick. Yep, it was right in my wheelhouse.

   I want to start a women's magazine called "Period". And some months I'll send it out late just to freak out my subscribers.