Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't understand why they're making such a big deal over the Tesco burgers..... Seriously, how many times have you said I'm so hungry I could eat a horse????

   Some girls put more effort into naming their Facebook photo albums than I put into my life.

   i don't drink alcohol, I drink distilled spirits, so I'm not an alcoholic I'm spirtual

   ESPN's Ron Jaworski just apologized for saying "sh*t" live on the air during Monday Night Football. Which just goes to prove that 90% of sportscasters don't notice to all the dumb krap that comes outta there own mouths anyway.

   ■“'OMG ARE YOU OK?” ‘Oh yeah I'm fine, I Just like bleeding for fun.'

   When the homeless guy who lives in the dumpster asks you to subscribe to his podcast, don't, just trust me on this

   Everytime you tell someone they got a piece of food on the side of their face, they always start wiping the opposite side of where its located....then you just wanna punch them for still not getting it.

   Who the f*ck threw this "work" thing right in the middle of my Facebook time? Am I being Punked?

   Kim Jong Ill: Why is everyone so f**king stupid? Why can't more people be interrigent, like me.

   Were in the second week of March and the CUBS are already mathematically eliminated from the playoffs.....lmao

   One goldfish says to the other, 'If there's no God, who changes our water every week?'

   Fair warning: I've decided that ,from now on,all "poke wars" I am engaged in will spill over into your everyday encounters with myself... and I will be victorious....

   I read CAPS LOCK words in a Billy Mays voice

   What FB really needs.. Is an "Unsee" button..

   It'd blow everyone's mind if one day Charlie Sheen just pulled off a mask & it was Andy Kaufman.

   An Officer came to me and asked "Where were you between 4 and 6?" I responded "Kindergarten duhh."

   In life you don't have to have a certain number of friends, you just need a number of friends you can be certain of.

   I don't want to be everything to everybody, I just wanna be someThing to somebody.

   If a blonde throws you a grenade…you pull the pin and throw it back!

   FACT: If you don't own a suit, you get to stay in your twenties forever.