Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kim Jong Ill: Why is everyone so f**king stupid? Why can't more people be interrigent, like me.

   Were in the second week of March and the CUBS are already mathematically eliminated from the playoffs.....lmao

   One goldfish says to the other, 'If there's no God, who changes our water every week?'

   Fair warning: I've decided that ,from now on,all "poke wars" I am engaged in will spill over into your everyday encounters with myself... and I will be victorious....

   I read CAPS LOCK words in a Billy Mays voice

   What FB really needs.. Is an "Unsee" button..

   It'd blow everyone's mind if one day Charlie Sheen just pulled off a mask & it was Andy Kaufman.

   An Officer came to me and asked "Where were you between 4 and 6?" I responded "Kindergarten duhh."

   In life you don't have to have a certain number of friends, you just need a number of friends you can be certain of.

   I don't want to be everything to everybody, I just wanna be someThing to somebody.

   If a blonde throws you a grenade…you pull the pin and throw it back!

   FACT: If you don't own a suit, you get to stay in your twenties forever.

   Today I ate a salad and got a ton of sleep. I don't think my body is used to either and may possibly be rejecting both.

   Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to write to myself on my wall.

   predicts Harold Camping will die of old age before any rapture.

   just watched a commercial asking if I suffer from schizophrenia. I think i'm okay, but will run it past the other voices...

   that if you asked me, at one time I would have given you the world...Now, you ask for anything, I'll bend over and give you the f**kin moon!

   10-21-11 is doomsday,Camping has spoken&we all know Camping never errs.well except for '88 being the year of the rapture,&'94 being the year of judgment & rapture, & of 5-21-11 at 6pm being a double date w/judgment&rapture.but other than that he's spot on

   Weiner's wife is pregnant! Didn't know that was possible on twitter! From now on I'm wearin a condom when I tweet!

   Woke up with a smile after noticing I have as many NBA rings as LeBron.