Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't know about these Capital One commercials with Samuel L. Jackson. There's something about an angry black man asking "What's in your wallet?" that scares me.

   The French think we Americans are fat. They may be right, but obviously our dental plans are better.

   After 12 years of public education, I still don't know how mortgages and taxes work but hey at least I know about the cells inside a f*cking leaf. Thanks America for an excellent education.

   Saying "Do I smell popcorn?" right after someone farts, so everybody takes a deep breath.

   I may be the only one without a bucket list but my fucket list is getting rather long....

   I'm glad I don't work for the Catholic church on Take Your Child To Work Day.

   Expect nothing and you’ll never be dissapointed!!! Yeah I am talking about you, Bernie Sanders supporters.

   George Lucas claims to have not seen the new Star Wars trailer. How many of us wish we could say that about the Phantom Menace?

   The money I'm saving by not having a girlfriend on valentines day will most likely be spent on booze to help me through these trying and lonely times.

   Hey old people, you don't have to sign your name when you comment on a status. We know who said it.

   The person who named the Whitehouse and the Pentagon probably named oranges too.

   "No, officer - this is medicinal roadhead."

   Husband asks me to hammer the nail in while he holds it . Most action I got all week.

   "Really, Americans get a bad rap for being fat & gluttonous" I told my foreign friend as I turned to page 76 in my Cheesecake Factory Menu.

   Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don’t do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!

   “Let me rephrase this question so I can get pissed off at you all over again.” - WOMEN

   Why is it that women don't know what they want but then get mad when they don't get it?

   When the Redskins change their name it is my hope the cowboys from Wyoming, Montana and the Dakotas make sure Jerry Jones changes the name of his team so Cowboys won't be portrayed as PUSSIES.

   the FDA can approve breast implants so why cant they decide that medicinal weed is ok everywhere?.... I haven't seen an autopsy where "small boobs" was cause of death.

   How about something colder than a bucket full of ice? Like a bucket full of your exes hearts.