Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fri(end) Girlfri(end) Boyfri(end) Br(forever)o

   My husband confrimed my suspicions that he never wants to have sex again when he told me the house isn't clean enough.

   I don't need to drink to have fun." - boring people

   Got a call from the IRS this morning, the lady asked me why I sent a condom in with my taxes, I said I figured if I am getting f%ck%d, might as well be safe about it.....

   After handling the bumpy rollout of the Obamacare site, Kathleen Sebelius announced today that she is resigning. Which explains why being thrown under a bus is now covered by Obamacare.

   Canadian Whiskey is just like regular whiskey except it apologizes for your hangover in the morning

   PRO TIP: Before you buy the house, have here sit up on the kitchen counter to make sure the height is right.

   I got robbed at the gas station this morning. The cops asked me if I knew who did it. I said "Yeah. Pump 6."

   I don't know about these Capital One commercials with Samuel L. Jackson. There's something about an angry black man asking "What's in your wallet?" that scares me.

   The French think we Americans are fat. They may be right, but obviously our dental plans are better.

   After 12 years of public education, I still don't know how mortgages and taxes work but hey at least I know about the cells inside a f*cking leaf. Thanks America for an excellent education.

   Saying "Do I smell popcorn?" right after someone farts, so everybody takes a deep breath.

   I may be the only one without a bucket list but my fucket list is getting rather long....

   I'm glad I don't work for the Catholic church on Take Your Child To Work Day.

   Expect nothing and you’ll never be dissapointed!!! Yeah I am talking about you, Bernie Sanders supporters.

   George Lucas claims to have not seen the new Star Wars trailer. How many of us wish we could say that about the Phantom Menace?

   The money I'm saving by not having a girlfriend on valentines day will most likely be spent on booze to help me through these trying and lonely times.

   Hey old people, you don't have to sign your name when you comment on a status. We know who said it.

   The person who named the Whitehouse and the Pentagon probably named oranges too.

   "No, officer - this is medicinal roadhead."