Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   waking up next to Julie Chen with no make-up makes me want to saw me penis off with a rusty car key

   if your still gathering rocks to throw at me,you must have a LOT of rocks and I'm scared.

   Nice guys finish.... In the shower

   had lent 5000$ to his friend for plastic surgery.....now its hard to recognize him.

   wouldn't it be great to be born old and grow to be young???

   Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.

   dont take a sleeping pill and a laxative before bed...

   snappin necks and cashin checks

   off to Mamby Pamby land ya Jackwagon....

   I asked my significant other what time it was this evening and got the response of "5:54...5:53...5:52...". I guess next time I should remind her the microwave is on.

   you can always tell someone who just started rooting for the Steelers, they never know how bout the "H" in Pittsburgh

   the only mystery Scooby Doo will never solve.

   It's not even a booty call, it's a drive by... hit it and go.

   The octopus PAUL has predicted it correct yet again. Spain are the Champions. I need to meet this PAUL and ask him to select which girl should I Propose to. It's time I settle for one girl, having 3 girlfriends Sucks bigtime!!

   Has come to the conclusion that the weekend is a man, it comes too quick then you don't hear from it for a week!!

   never going to leave her husband........unless I move house...he's burried under the decking!

   My friend, Eddie, spends several hours a day lubricating an old bench clamp... It's one of his many vices.

   So it's okay to kill hookers in video games, but smack one around in real life because you want to negotiate the price and suddenly everyone gets all pissy. Geeze.

   I was tickling a toad on his right flipper! Frog giggles amuse me!

   Dear McDonalds, if you start serving breakfast all day you will get more of my money. Sincerely, Supply and Demand.