Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm happier than a busload of f@t ladies on the way to a Bon Jovi concert.

   If you've never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven... then you've never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.

   Right now I'm going through a Chex-mix phase, so I guess you can call me "Chexually active".

   What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? She choked.

   In my most shameful moments I use the word "c*cksucker" negatively despite how greatly I enjoy having my c*ck sucked.

   Women always say they love a man in uniform but when I go clubbing in my McDonald's outfit no one will even talk to me

   If you're a grown ass man, and I can see your gum when you chew it, you get throat punched. Grandma's rules, sorry.

   Evil. I see it. I hear it. I speak it. Your reactions are my entertainment.

   Ladies: imagine a man who’s rich, handsome, listens well and loves you for who you are. Now keep imagining him, because he’s only imaginary.

   I'll bet the YMCA song is really hard to do in Chinese.

   So orphans only have 9 commandments to deal with?

   They asked me at the hospital to be an organ donor. I didn't have one, but I left them my old guitar... hope it helps.

   waking up next to Julie Chen with no make-up makes me want to saw me penis off with a rusty car key

   the only mystery Scooby Doo will never solve.

   It's not even a booty call, it's a drive by... hit it and go.

   Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.

   dont take a sleeping pill and a laxative before bed...

   snappin necks and cashin checks

   off to Mamby Pamby land ya Jackwagon....

   I asked my significant other what time it was this evening and got the response of "5:54...5:53...5:52...". I guess next time I should remind her the microwave is on.